new goal for summer of 2010

So long since I have posted.
I have been training with a new goal in mind.
Half marathon this summer.

I managed to complete a 10km this past summer and did it without much trouble so its time to make things a wee bit more challenging.

I recently purchased a Nike running chip....
I love it. It records all my runs, I think it will help me keep better track during this time of training.

I have keep off 50 of the 60lbs I lost.....
somehow 10 snuck back onto my body.
pisses me right off...............
no matter... I will torch it off with my increased kms.

Stomach feels flat
back muscles tight
I feel pretty good.

I put my scale in the garage
not much separation anxiety.

I will run my first 10 km July 19
I will finish even if I have to crawl
my left foot goes numb at the 5km mark, wonder what will happen at the 10 km.

Off to the pool, then strength training at 5:30.........

pic is at my daughters grade 7 overnight camp out
My ab muscles are killing me....on ab day they swell after exercise, but the next morning.......wow they feel tight and strong.....

Tonight is boot camp...another killer...I thought my legs were in shape....apparently I had been missing numerous muscles that the work out makes me painfully aware of......

The scale is a bitch.....I know I am putting on muscle and its heavier than fat, but the anxiety is awful when it reads *fat*.............

A co worker and I registered for a 10 km in July...it will be my first....I am comfortable with the 5km, and barely sweat so its time to challenge myself and make things harder.

My stroke in the pool feels strong......I love the feeling of gliding through the water....nothing in the world beats that.......

Soon my daughter will start summer holidays....I love it when a child can kick back and enjoy.....she loves tennis so I must make time to go and hit the ball with her.
She also loves to read (just like her mother) so I need to renew our library cards
and make sure she has access to all the books in the world.......

I am truly blessed and grateful for this life I have been given

In Canada winter and Spring are Night and Day...........
see my little car...I drove the required mini van for years (raising kids)
now I drive a little dinkie car, and I love it.

Boot Camp

It starts tonight...BOOT CAMP...
I am so hoping to learn some new stuff.
I need a change up in my routine so bad.

I have deemed June ab month...
I will do 5 ab exercises everyday for the month of June....

So now we have Swimming Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
Boot camp Tuesday, and Thursday
Abs everyday
Try to get three 5km runs in a week.

I think it will be tough, but very rewarding.

June >>>> The ab month.......

This month I will focus exclusively on my abs.
Yeah yeah I will continue to work my other parts, but June is AB month........
I have been running and swimming hard, but I need some focus on my core......

I also want to try to kick the dirty smoking habit....Its out of control...
my breathing in the pool and on my runs, is disgraceful......What a shame...
I am fit...fit...fit....and then after a good sweat I light up....sick sick sick...

B/P has become an issue again.....throat is so sore....muscles hurt.....I need to grab the reigns of the wild horse called "my Life"............................

Its the 30th....I will start today and as of the 1st its military w/o's

Not sure what is going on with my toes.....
Last night during my 5km run my toes in my left foot acted up....pain was awful, I ended up walking last km.
ususally they go numb and BOOM no pain.........

wish I had a foot massage man ready at the door when I arrive home all dusty and sweaty.

wow

I found this pic stunning, informative, and an inspiration to continue with my goals
the heavy one weighs 220lbs... the slim 120 lbs.

I am not friends with the scale this week.
I miss the feeling of my stomach being empty, flat, tight.
I understand that I am pms and I always feel like a pregnant yak this time of month.

I refuse to go back to my old habit of over eating.
this month has been poor, poor, poor.........

I need to get back on track....get my mojo back.

The death of my grandma made my internal dialogue turn on me....
instead of straight and narrow...it said "go ahead, eat it"....
"you poor thing, you lost grandma, eat more ice cream".........
I have to turn that pity party off and get back on track.......
the B/P has been at an all time high.....so not good...........

drunk

My best friend of 30 years (since grade 2) is a drunk.
I love her.
we have lived our lives always in touch, always close.
we had our first periods together.
Our babies together
Divorces together
Boyfriends together
ups.......
and way downs.
always together.

It upsets me to drop by at 5pm and hear the slur.....
see the confusion
watch the shoddy cover up

When we lived together she threw her cans out....
She hid her beer under her bed (warm beer yuck)

Her kids know "no other way"
we had serious talks many times over the years about this.....
she does good for awhile then right back at it

Its time for another talk
a long non judgemental talk
I pray for her
I love her

I am sure she is suffering from Wernickies Korsakoff syndrome

mothers day run....I ran for Grandma Sand........

Ran my second 5K.....
It was so interesting. The course was the same, but this time I whipped past all the spots I had to stop and walk last year. It felt good....a real pay off to getting fit.
The run was called "Mothers Day run for the Stollery children's hospital"
A cause near and dear to my heart as my own child had a tumour removed from her leg
in 2005 at the stollery.......

When running through the finish I saw my two daughters beaming with pride...
I could hear my father yelling "go Rachel"......
I loved it....I lived life to the fullest in those God given moments........

LAST YEAR and A BIT OF THIS YEAR

Last year I lost 55 lbs
I ran my first 5km run
I started swimming again
my boyfriend gave me a "shut up ring"
I adjusted the people I allow to be around me
I bought a new Car
I started blogging
I revamped my bedroom (new floor, paint, light fixture)
I did not drink any alcohol
I painted my daughters room purple (grape)
I had a good pap
I had a new bigger deck put on my house
I went to Britney Spears and the pussy cat dolls
I made more time for my eldest (daughter, lives on her own)
I became close to a new friend
I read hundreds of good books
I started worrying about my sons future
I purged way to much (once is to much)
I tanned too much
I watched my youngest go from a little girl to a young woman
I helped save a few lives
I watched a few people die

this year
I lost my Grandma
I gained a new cousin "Molly Ray"
I worked out in a new town, new pool, new gym
I said to hell with the politics at work
I went from to conservative to who the fuck knows....just no more conservative vote from me
I see my sister slowly dying of anorexia

so much has happened.......
I travelled around my province on my 12 days off...
I visited family, shopped, ate good food...it was fantastic.....

at the end of holidays my daughter took me and my BFF to Britney spears and the pussy cat dolls.......what a show....it was one of the best stage shoes I have ever been to......

I kept up my work outs by swimming and Aqua size with the Blue hairs.....

My cousin had a beautiful baby girl on April 1st....9 pounds 13 oz.
Big baby.......miracle baby as my cousin had her cervix removed due to cancer...
she carried to term with the help of some well place stitches...........

When I arrived back home I painted my porch white............clean fresh white....
I have a very large porch and it looks great......I used red accent pieces for a splash of color...............

Life is there to live.....I choose to live.......I want to live the best life I can...

I did not stand on a scale once when tootling around........
I was tempted to drop by a Walmart and weigh but I resisted...............

When all is said and holidays over, I did not gain a pound, nor did I purge once...

no more...

No more purging....no freaking more....
I do love my teeth
my esophagus
my life

No more...
what I eat will stay in my stomach....

clean eating is what I need to continue
I do so well for so long then fall off my red wagon

No more....
Its crack down time....
I am my own mother
master
boss

Plateau Plateau Plateau
I sit at the same weight
month after month
I have to make the scale budge

It (the master scale) will move, one pound up, one pound down, but no actual action.
I have turned up the work outs......
I even flex my abs when I take time out for a movie, at the computer, or even driving my car....
Its so frustrating
I cant restrict anymore...I already have dizzy spells......
I am just stuck on my plateau waiting.....

There is one last place on my body that harbours fat.
My belly....my road map of life....
three babies lived in there....many surgeries happened there.....two husbands touched me there.....
I want it gone....the fat..the fat.....
I am thinking of seeing my surgeon.....I know its the easy way out but I didn't lose 60 pounds to still have a pot belly......
fricking frick.........

Last night at the gym I was taught how to do a double crunch..
Ouch...they leave a burn behind...
The treadmill at the gym is being repaired so I was forced to do more with weights..
I didn't think it would be as good as running and having sweat drip down my back, but it was.......I hurt everywhere..........its such a comforting hurt....

Went to bed early and was awakened by my pager.....aggghhhh
crawling out of bed to jump in the ambulance when it is 39below is not freaking fun..
my car groaned....I groaned......so cold...so very cold.....
when we finished up I cranked my electric blanket into over drive to warm me..........I do not tolerate the cold anymore......

Felt I needed to post this crap separately..........
WEIGHT........was up 6 pounds...I do know I am PMS and probable retaining water
but AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.....makes me uneasy....
This AM the glorious bitch of a scale says..."calm down, you are back to your current weight""""""......................Now I can relax............
Still no period, but at least the evil numbers are where the should be.......


I do realize this sounds ridiculous, but I cant seem to help it.....
I have real stuff going on and I am a slave to the scale and what I eat...
Oh what a world I have created for my self.....

If it was my daughter posting this shit I would be devastated and demand she love herself the way she is...............It would break my heart.......so why do I allow it??????????...........
Just ranting...may get a grip when my period starts...if it ever comes.......

Today at 11:30 I go with my union rep. to view, and copy my personnel file at work.
My boss told me on Wednesday, over the phone he had copied posts I made on face book and put them in my work performance file.

I was shocked, very angry, and would like to nail his small set of balls to an old fence and leave him to rot.

I feel like I am in the movie BIG BROTHER....

I reviewed said posts, and I am comfortable that what I wrote was truth and can be backed up will mounds of paper work collected by our union.

My boss is not a friend on FB, so now I have deleted all those I figure may have lead him to my posts. This has made me rather Paranoid....not a cool feeling.

My boss deserves no respect......
He gets no respect....
From any of my fellow co workers....

On the phone he says, and I state.... "I am mad at you".....
I reply "why"
Boss wimpers "because of posts you made on facebook"....
I calmly ask...."which ones".........
He stutters...."The ones about male EMT's being paid more than female EMT"s, and the "old boys club".....
I laughed (nervously)...and replied.."Anything I wrote is true, and in no way slanderous"............
He became silent.....(his we brain must have recalled the human rights inquiry that was made against our fine little county about the gender inequality.......They settled it and hoped it would never come up again...( forced by our Union to settle)

Today is going to be important in my world....

Bought my first pair of SAUCONY Running shoes....will it help me run the 10 km in May???????????????????

I pray it will...last year I did the 5km and my toes on the left went numb....
I will start to break these shoes in tonight so they should be good and worn for the run.

I danced all night.......
it was fantastic.....................................


the rest of the weekend was spent visiting family....
and yep....eating....all they do is eat...I found it so hard to resist...
Technically I couldn't resit and purged twice yesterday and once today....awww...I hate leaving my routine....I feel powerless when I am out of my atmosphere.

Tomorrow is a new day....I will do better tomorrow...

Waiting...
sometimes the waiting, the anticipation is more enjoyable than the actual day. (Event,goal,etc.)
Christmas for example.......I love the planning, the details, the build up, and then oooopppsss there it is....what a let down....
A goal weight........The projecting, the working, the dreaming of how it will feel, and then ooooooppppps there it is......Just another day...........
Raising your babies.....dreaming of them being grown.......yeah you guessed...oooops there it is.................grown children and a very empty nest..............
Your wedding.....all that planning...its just sick and then ooopps there it is.....

I think what I am slowly discovering is not to put so much emphasis on the future...
live in the day that is TODAY.........

I have a big party tonight and I have been planning for a few weeks what I will wear,
how much I will eat the day of the party, what I will weigh as I dance the night away, and today is the day and I am already disappointed.....I liked the wait...the planning...............you don't actually have to be with the people when thinking about the party......you don't have to actually be dressed and prettied up when planning for the party..............aggghhhh...now its here and I have to go.....

My abs are hurting something fierce...especially the LUQ.....owweee.....
I think its from the new exercise my work partner taught me....I didn't think
it would work me this hard...
Work is work...three more 24's then a 5 day stretch off.....
I am so excited because I am getting a large income tax return next week....
After I pay all my bills I think I will buy a treadmill........I could increase my running without eyebrows being raised and perhaps my daughter would use it as well...
she is at a tender age and doesn't want to go to the gym because someone may see her...
I understand...I remember what girls could be like when I was young....

Lowest weight since high school ...REACHED TODAY..................................
so freaking happy.............

I just finished a fantastic workout......
I feel so good....so strong.............
I can actually face the mirror when I lift the free weights and like what I see....
I know this is fleeting but I will enjoy it on an up day..........
I did not B/P today....another great thing....no sore eyes.....
no red puffy face.....I did eat......proud of it....healthy stuff only......
I wish I had more of these days.......
I will pray for more...

I have been so out of routine, working in other towns on the ambulance trying to workout in motel rooms....what a challenge......I hate when we have to go out for meals........I never eat bread normally, but when we are on a wait....well bread bread and maybe pasta............all the company at my home is also disconcerting...
everyone needs to eat....and eat they do.....then they are hungry again.....and then again............I am still fretting about what I put in my gob 7 hours ago and they want to do it again..............

Well things are back to normal......workouts are back to normal....the quiet is back.........................

My daughter (21 yrs)called the other night and said..."I have something to tell you"
Well I nearly shit.......I am going to be a grandma I thought.........Oh Boy ..I need to brace myself................

"Mom Beyonce is coming......wanna go?"........my heart dropped and rose at the same time...........

YESSSSSSS....YEEEEESSSSSSSSS I want to go..................................I cried...

Now we have Beyonce on the 26th of March...then Britney on April 6th....sounds like a great way to welcome spring.............

I am not going to be a grandma yet............heart rises and fall at the same time...

Very good cleansing work out this evening..
I added a few more cardio minutes, and I added a few more reps to each set
of weights........
I had sweat just running off of me.........That's the whole idea right?

Tonight I am being a lazy mom...
I told my 18 year old son to make supper for himself and his sister...
this way I don't even have to look at food.......I did eat today....
all healthy, and I don't want to ruin a good day with a b/p.........
After the darlings eat and do the freaking dishes we will all cuddle up and watch
desperate housewives...(such a family show...lol)......then hopefully a good sleep with no ambulance calls........

Life is good today......
I am thankful.....

Yeah.........we got a raise....only 5% but a raise never the less.....
I am grateful, because the recession is hitting close to home.........

I plan to buy a treadmill so I can work out at home and then people wont realize how much I work out......I am oh so sneaky............................

My sister was here for a 2x day visit with her hubby and all four kids....
Very busy noisy house for a while.....(a new puppy as well)....
I am now welcoming the silence.....its easier to think when its quiet......

I am now going to get myself ready for work......
I am much calmer after I got my house back in ORDER, and a good long sleep...
Thank you lord for NO CALLS in the night.......

My Boyfriend
He is a lovely man
He is a Dr.(CHIRO)
He is my rock
However he nearly had me laying on the floor crying yesterday......

He asked how much more weight I want to lose and I said 20lbs
He then said why not 40 lbs ...........

We do not live together so he has no idea what goes on in my secret bulimic life...................................

He has no idea.....I thank God I am old enough and secure enough to know that would probable kill me......I am tall....very tall...............and it hurts to hear him say that much would be good............

He is a frickin Dr(CHIRO).....................he obviously knows nothing about eating disorders and our strive for perfection.......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Wow....what a night....I am reminded of why I choose this profession......
We were called to back up another crew at a code......
Man saved....doesnt happen often, but it does happen....
If you dont know CPR...learn it.....


Earlier in the night I was reminded why its a dangerous profession....
Found out after the fact, a previous patient is HIV and is HEP C positive...
I am sure I was gloved and careful?....I think I am sure?.....am I sure?.....
I will say a prayer for myself and the young woman...........................
What a night.......I need to sleep but I am to wound up and my yougest needs a ride to school soon>>>>>>>>>>>>.....So coffee and splenda it is.............and damn it I
wanted to go shopping for a new lay rug for my living room...............maybe tomorrow.....Now I am just jabbering...........over tired you see............

last nights dream

Last night I dreamt I had a baby...( I am to old for that in real time)
I had taken the baby home and realized I had no diapers or clothes for the wee one....
I found and old Guess purse in my closet....(A big one that is real)
to use as a diaper bag and off I went to walmart to shop for the necessities...


this dream was bizarre, and felt so very real....I had self doubt in the dream...
I wondered how can I be so stupid as not to have clothing and diapers for my new baby...........

I was relieved when I woke up as me....

so much purging...
my throats sore...
It bleeds...
I take Rolaids after to protect my teeth....
I am bad...
I purge even if I haven't binged
cant figure this one out...
Broken blood vessels around my eyes..
I bleached out my hair..
it makes me look 10 years older...
I never want this for my daughters........

wow...what a mixed up world we live in....
Today at work...45 yr man with no spontaneous respiration's.....
We bagged and bagged then we intubated, and we got him to the fixed wing ambulance..............Off to the city our patient went.....

We (Two ambulance crews) went out to have a bite.....
I ate and ate and then ran home to purge.............
How ironic......I help to save a life and then run home to risk mine........

I am sick of strangers commenting on my weight......
I live in a smallish town and strangers say the dumbest things.....
I wanted to spit on this lady in the post office....
My back was to her sorting my mail and she exclaimed very loudly.."so how much weight have you lost?".....aggghhhh........I don't even know her....
I ignored, and she asked again....finally I turned around and asked if she was talking to me......
Her remark..."Yeah, how much weight have you lost".....
I wonder how this could be her business???.......How???

I replied by stating "I don't know, I don't weigh"....
A lie, I know....but that woman doesn't need to know that........
I then turned my back to her and walked out......

I don't walk up to strangers and ask "How much weight have you gained?"....
I think its rude and they should mind there own fucking business..........
(excuse my french......)
If it was a friend or loved one I would answer appropriately , but some busy body fish face has no right to intrude in my space and ask personal questions.........

My work outs have been going well.....I increased my reps in everything and I am starting to see new results...........I am training for my first 10 km run that will take place in May....Mothers day to be exact......last year I did the five Km with no trouble so I figure the 10km will be more of a challenge.....
I know I have to eat to be strong and put on muscle...its so hard sometimes......
I didnt b/p for almost a week and ate very healthy...today, not so good.........
Tomorrow is a new day.

I am pissy....
Spent the weekend with my children and the rest of my family.....
.........what do you do.....EAT........EAT.........EAT....................
I am back on track today, but I still feel dirty from all the food.........
Did my swimming this morning and will do cardio and weights tonight......
perhaps that will ease all the anxious feelings...

snake

Last night I hosted a monthly ems inservice.
It was to be a relaxed and informal.
I decided to reveiw one medication and to practice giving I.M. injections.

Well before I could even start my little presentation my former (work) partner
began to lash out at me.............
(previously I wrote about the types of women I dislike>>>>she is the snake)
The ana conda wants our rotation changed so we would be partners again.
I would rather poke my eyes out with a dull butter knife.
She started this in front of the others, .... it was so NOT the time or place for this discussion.

>>>>>>I am nice.......very nice........I keep most opinions to myself, and always try to spare anothers feelings <<<

She began with "Why wont you work with me"
"you are going to have to work with me"
"Is it me?"
"Its not fair"
On and on she went in a raised barely controlled voice.............................

I cant and wont ever work with her again.....I would quit first.....
I would quit a job I love first................

This woman (in her fifties) is a snake.........
she oozes negativity
she criticizes everyone and everything
you can feel her negativity from across the room.........
I wont do it..........
I worked with her for years and wasn't even aware of the effect she had on my well being.........
I think I was becoming like her....seeing only the bad....never the good, or the silver linings God provides us........My blood pressure went through the roof during that time....I was always high strung....I was resentful every time I went to work and had to listen to her shit......I cant do this again.......

There is one other person who could partner with her but the snake hates her...hates....so she wants me because I am to nice (Stupid) to tell her how I feel about her gossip and spewing venom..................ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....the dilemma....................
The inappropriateness of her outburst angers me to no end..........the others sat with their mouths dropped open...............................these women love an audience......they don't do these things without one.............We were there to learn, and then go home......not witness the snake coil and strike............

Now I ask myself....why dont I just tell her how I feel?????????
I tell myself..........you do not want this spitting cobra as an enemy....you have no enemies and she would be a very bad place to start............................
I gave it to God............
and I will call the boss first thing this am..........

Everything is calm right now.
I feel blue, but I am sure its due to the curse we women face once a month.......
I am eating. I only purged once this past week. I am doing well.
I felt slow and sloppy swimming today. I am not sure what that's about.

tired and blue................

tomorrow I am back on call which is good....perhaps I am bored.....
being at work makes the minutes tick by faster........
I hate winter.....
Its so damn cold
I want to put shorts and sandals on again
I need the fresh pure green of spring
I feel as though I am in a frozen wasteland
The temperature has been close to 30 below lately and I am sick to death of it.
On the bright side the days are slowly getting longer.
The dark is not a conduit to happy, fresh, energetic feelings.
January and February are dead months in canada.
Next year I will see about a holiday around this time, maybe visit my Dad in Mexico.
Anything but this cold.

Saturday was very good....
In Sept 07 my (now 12 year old) daughter had a tumour remover from her lower leg.
It was baseball sized and had her tibia and fibula bent and bowed.
we were to wait for the bones to break, or for our surgery date, whatever came first..
I have a friend who is a doctor and he helped us get in quicker so she had surgery,
and didn't have to go through the trauma of a fracture and then surgery.

Jan 09.......we went back for the latest follow up ex ray results.......
I was very scared because she has been experiencing mild discomfort since a bad sprain this past sept......
I was almost positive it was growing again............
The good news......its okay....no new growth noted..........
I am so happy..........I couldn't stand the thought of her going through this again.
when it originally happened we didn't know if it was cancer or what the hell it was, so it was a very tough time for mother and Daughter................
She has an 11 inch scar on her leg....from the ankle up......she is a tough little girl and may have to live with the discomfort this osteoblast has caused for the rest of her life....................We can live with that as she has the leg and it wasnt cancer................
Saturday was good.........

This summer
This summer I will run more
I will enter a 10 k run

This summer I will swim more
I will swim with my daughter

This summer we will lay by the lake
Every chance we get

This summer I will stay up late
I will make it last

This summer I wont be anal about my lawn
This summer my child will cut it

This summer I will breathe more
I will breathe the scent of my flowering tree

this summer I will work less
I will enjoy my holidays

This summer I will come out of the gym
I will run in the fresh air

This summer I will be smoke free
I am always quiting

This summer I will start to drink
I havent drank In one full year

this summer I will go to the fringe
I missed it last year

This summer I will buy a new bikini
My cup size is way smaller

this summer I hope to get out of this God foresaken town

I can be such a hypocrite.....
I was going to eat healthy today...
I did most of the day, then I attended my friends sons 16Th birthday and had cake.....
well you guessed it....I purged, and purged until I was dry....
I am so disappointed in myself tonight.......

Image is not me....
This morning was my first time back in the pool since the 19th of Dec.
It felt so good, but I felt sloppy....my stroke was not smooth, I needed to breathe more.....
I said to the lady next to me...."I Feel sloppy, like a seal with no flippers"...
she laughed and said she felt the same....its amazing how fast some muscles go lax...
The good thing is after a couple more sessions I will feel smooth and strong again....

My work out tonight was a little slower than normal....
My abs are a bit sore from yesterday...I know I should have let those muscles repair and waited until tomorrow to work them, but the laziness over the holidays has me in overdrive..........
I am back on top of things............

The eating isn't so great......b/p...yesterday.....
Today I kept everything down....
Lemon pepper tuna... for building muscle...apple...carrots...a few crackers, coffee, and now that I think about it nothing else......tomorrow I will eat more.....Healthy fuel for my body..
I am back to work in the morning.......
its hard to be disciplined with all the treats in the coffee room...........

I feel so much better......
After being away from home these past few days, I hadn't worked out...........
Today I managed to do two full work outs......
The time between was spent cleaning then a wee nap....
I feel so much better now

worst fear.....

I may have to go.....
my partner at work started blogging here.....
frick........I am almost sure she is reading my blog..........
I hate this............
I hate her knowing my secrets..........
do you hear me AMBER.........