last nights dream

Last night I dreamt I had a baby...( I am to old for that in real time)
I had taken the baby home and realized I had no diapers or clothes for the wee one....
I found and old Guess purse in my closet....(A big one that is real)
to use as a diaper bag and off I went to walmart to shop for the necessities...


this dream was bizarre, and felt so very real....I had self doubt in the dream...
I wondered how can I be so stupid as not to have clothing and diapers for my new baby...........

I was relieved when I woke up as me....

so much purging...
my throats sore...
It bleeds...
I take Rolaids after to protect my teeth....
I am bad...
I purge even if I haven't binged
cant figure this one out...
Broken blood vessels around my eyes..
I bleached out my hair..
it makes me look 10 years older...
I never want this for my daughters........

wow...what a mixed up world we live in....
Today at work...45 yr man with no spontaneous respiration's.....
We bagged and bagged then we intubated, and we got him to the fixed wing ambulance..............Off to the city our patient went.....

We (Two ambulance crews) went out to have a bite.....
I ate and ate and then ran home to purge.............
How ironic......I help to save a life and then run home to risk mine........

I am sick of strangers commenting on my weight......
I live in a smallish town and strangers say the dumbest things.....
I wanted to spit on this lady in the post office....
My back was to her sorting my mail and she exclaimed very loudly.."so how much weight have you lost?".....aggghhhh........I don't even know her....
I ignored, and she asked again....finally I turned around and asked if she was talking to me......
Her remark..."Yeah, how much weight have you lost".....
I wonder how this could be her business???.......How???

I replied by stating "I don't know, I don't weigh"....
A lie, I know....but that woman doesn't need to know that........
I then turned my back to her and walked out......

I don't walk up to strangers and ask "How much weight have you gained?"....
I think its rude and they should mind there own fucking business..........
(excuse my french......)
If it was a friend or loved one I would answer appropriately , but some busy body fish face has no right to intrude in my space and ask personal questions.........

My work outs have been going well.....I increased my reps in everything and I am starting to see new results...........I am training for my first 10 km run that will take place in May....Mothers day to be exact......last year I did the five Km with no trouble so I figure the 10km will be more of a challenge.....
I know I have to eat to be strong and put on muscle...its so hard sometimes......
I didnt b/p for almost a week and ate very healthy...today, not so good.........
Tomorrow is a new day.

I am pissy....
Spent the weekend with my children and the rest of my family.....
.........what do you do.....EAT........EAT.........EAT....................
I am back on track today, but I still feel dirty from all the food.........
Did my swimming this morning and will do cardio and weights tonight......
perhaps that will ease all the anxious feelings...

snake

Last night I hosted a monthly ems inservice.
It was to be a relaxed and informal.
I decided to reveiw one medication and to practice giving I.M. injections.

Well before I could even start my little presentation my former (work) partner
began to lash out at me.............
(previously I wrote about the types of women I dislike>>>>she is the snake)
The ana conda wants our rotation changed so we would be partners again.
I would rather poke my eyes out with a dull butter knife.
She started this in front of the others, .... it was so NOT the time or place for this discussion.

>>>>>>I am nice.......very nice........I keep most opinions to myself, and always try to spare anothers feelings <<<

She began with "Why wont you work with me"
"you are going to have to work with me"
"Is it me?"
"Its not fair"
On and on she went in a raised barely controlled voice.............................

I cant and wont ever work with her again.....I would quit first.....
I would quit a job I love first................

This woman (in her fifties) is a snake.........
she oozes negativity
she criticizes everyone and everything
you can feel her negativity from across the room.........
I wont do it..........
I worked with her for years and wasn't even aware of the effect she had on my well being.........
I think I was becoming like her....seeing only the bad....never the good, or the silver linings God provides us........My blood pressure went through the roof during that time....I was always high strung....I was resentful every time I went to work and had to listen to her shit......I cant do this again.......

There is one other person who could partner with her but the snake hates her...hates....so she wants me because I am to nice (Stupid) to tell her how I feel about her gossip and spewing venom..................ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....the dilemma....................
The inappropriateness of her outburst angers me to no end..........the others sat with their mouths dropped open...............................these women love an audience......they don't do these things without one.............We were there to learn, and then go home......not witness the snake coil and strike............

Now I ask myself....why dont I just tell her how I feel?????????
I tell myself..........you do not want this spitting cobra as an enemy....you have no enemies and she would be a very bad place to start............................
I gave it to God............
and I will call the boss first thing this am..........

Everything is calm right now.
I feel blue, but I am sure its due to the curse we women face once a month.......
I am eating. I only purged once this past week. I am doing well.
I felt slow and sloppy swimming today. I am not sure what that's about.

tired and blue................

tomorrow I am back on call which is good....perhaps I am bored.....
being at work makes the minutes tick by faster........
I hate winter.....
Its so damn cold
I want to put shorts and sandals on again
I need the fresh pure green of spring
I feel as though I am in a frozen wasteland
The temperature has been close to 30 below lately and I am sick to death of it.
On the bright side the days are slowly getting longer.
The dark is not a conduit to happy, fresh, energetic feelings.
January and February are dead months in canada.
Next year I will see about a holiday around this time, maybe visit my Dad in Mexico.
Anything but this cold.

Saturday was very good....
In Sept 07 my (now 12 year old) daughter had a tumour remover from her lower leg.
It was baseball sized and had her tibia and fibula bent and bowed.
we were to wait for the bones to break, or for our surgery date, whatever came first..
I have a friend who is a doctor and he helped us get in quicker so she had surgery,
and didn't have to go through the trauma of a fracture and then surgery.

Jan 09.......we went back for the latest follow up ex ray results.......
I was very scared because she has been experiencing mild discomfort since a bad sprain this past sept......
I was almost positive it was growing again............
The good news......its okay....no new growth noted..........
I am so happy..........I couldn't stand the thought of her going through this again.
when it originally happened we didn't know if it was cancer or what the hell it was, so it was a very tough time for mother and Daughter................
She has an 11 inch scar on her leg....from the ankle up......she is a tough little girl and may have to live with the discomfort this osteoblast has caused for the rest of her life....................We can live with that as she has the leg and it wasnt cancer................
Saturday was good.........

This summer
This summer I will run more
I will enter a 10 k run

This summer I will swim more
I will swim with my daughter

This summer we will lay by the lake
Every chance we get

This summer I will stay up late
I will make it last

This summer I wont be anal about my lawn
This summer my child will cut it

This summer I will breathe more
I will breathe the scent of my flowering tree

this summer I will work less
I will enjoy my holidays

This summer I will come out of the gym
I will run in the fresh air

This summer I will be smoke free
I am always quiting

This summer I will start to drink
I havent drank In one full year

this summer I will go to the fringe
I missed it last year

This summer I will buy a new bikini
My cup size is way smaller

this summer I hope to get out of this God foresaken town

I can be such a hypocrite.....
I was going to eat healthy today...
I did most of the day, then I attended my friends sons 16Th birthday and had cake.....
well you guessed it....I purged, and purged until I was dry....
I am so disappointed in myself tonight.......

Image is not me....
This morning was my first time back in the pool since the 19th of Dec.
It felt so good, but I felt sloppy....my stroke was not smooth, I needed to breathe more.....
I said to the lady next to me...."I Feel sloppy, like a seal with no flippers"...
she laughed and said she felt the same....its amazing how fast some muscles go lax...
The good thing is after a couple more sessions I will feel smooth and strong again....

My work out tonight was a little slower than normal....
My abs are a bit sore from yesterday...I know I should have let those muscles repair and waited until tomorrow to work them, but the laziness over the holidays has me in overdrive..........
I am back on top of things............

The eating isn't so great......b/p...yesterday.....
Today I kept everything down....
Lemon pepper tuna... for building muscle...apple...carrots...a few crackers, coffee, and now that I think about it nothing else......tomorrow I will eat more.....Healthy fuel for my body..
I am back to work in the morning.......
its hard to be disciplined with all the treats in the coffee room...........

I feel so much better......
After being away from home these past few days, I hadn't worked out...........
Today I managed to do two full work outs......
The time between was spent cleaning then a wee nap....
I feel so much better now

worst fear.....

I may have to go.....
my partner at work started blogging here.....
frick........I am almost sure she is reading my blog..........
I hate this............
I hate her knowing my secrets..........
do you hear me AMBER.........