no more...

No more purging....no freaking more....
I do love my teeth
my esophagus
my life

No more...
what I eat will stay in my stomach....

clean eating is what I need to continue
I do so well for so long then fall off my red wagon

No more....
Its crack down time....
I am my own mother
master
boss

Plateau Plateau Plateau
I sit at the same weight
month after month
I have to make the scale budge

It (the master scale) will move, one pound up, one pound down, but no actual action.
I have turned up the work outs......
I even flex my abs when I take time out for a movie, at the computer, or even driving my car....
Its so frustrating
I cant restrict anymore...I already have dizzy spells......
I am just stuck on my plateau waiting.....

There is one last place on my body that harbours fat.
My belly....my road map of life....
three babies lived in there....many surgeries happened there.....two husbands touched me there.....
I want it gone....the fat..the fat.....
I am thinking of seeing my surgeon.....I know its the easy way out but I didn't lose 60 pounds to still have a pot belly......
fricking frick.........

Last night at the gym I was taught how to do a double crunch..
Ouch...they leave a burn behind...
The treadmill at the gym is being repaired so I was forced to do more with weights..
I didn't think it would be as good as running and having sweat drip down my back, but it was.......I hurt everywhere..........its such a comforting hurt....

Went to bed early and was awakened by my pager.....aggghhhh
crawling out of bed to jump in the ambulance when it is 39below is not freaking fun..
my car groaned....I groaned......so cold...so very cold.....
when we finished up I cranked my electric blanket into over drive to warm me..........I do not tolerate the cold anymore......

Felt I needed to post this crap separately..........
WEIGHT........was up 6 pounds...I do know I am PMS and probable retaining water
but AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.....makes me uneasy....
This AM the glorious bitch of a scale says..."calm down, you are back to your current weight""""""......................Now I can relax............
Still no period, but at least the evil numbers are where the should be.......


I do realize this sounds ridiculous, but I cant seem to help it.....
I have real stuff going on and I am a slave to the scale and what I eat...
Oh what a world I have created for my self.....

If it was my daughter posting this shit I would be devastated and demand she love herself the way she is...............It would break my heart.......so why do I allow it??????????...........
Just ranting...may get a grip when my period starts...if it ever comes.......

Today at 11:30 I go with my union rep. to view, and copy my personnel file at work.
My boss told me on Wednesday, over the phone he had copied posts I made on face book and put them in my work performance file.

I was shocked, very angry, and would like to nail his small set of balls to an old fence and leave him to rot.

I feel like I am in the movie BIG BROTHER....

I reviewed said posts, and I am comfortable that what I wrote was truth and can be backed up will mounds of paper work collected by our union.

My boss is not a friend on FB, so now I have deleted all those I figure may have lead him to my posts. This has made me rather Paranoid....not a cool feeling.

My boss deserves no respect......
He gets no respect....
From any of my fellow co workers....

On the phone he says, and I state.... "I am mad at you".....
I reply "why"
Boss wimpers "because of posts you made on facebook"....
I calmly ask...."which ones".........
He stutters...."The ones about male EMT's being paid more than female EMT"s, and the "old boys club".....
I laughed (nervously)...and replied.."Anything I wrote is true, and in no way slanderous"............
He became silent.....(his we brain must have recalled the human rights inquiry that was made against our fine little county about the gender inequality.......They settled it and hoped it would never come up again...( forced by our Union to settle)

Today is going to be important in my world....

Bought my first pair of SAUCONY Running shoes....will it help me run the 10 km in May???????????????????

I pray it will...last year I did the 5km and my toes on the left went numb....
I will start to break these shoes in tonight so they should be good and worn for the run.

I danced all night.......
it was fantastic.....................................


the rest of the weekend was spent visiting family....
and yep....eating....all they do is eat...I found it so hard to resist...
Technically I couldn't resit and purged twice yesterday and once today....awww...I hate leaving my routine....I feel powerless when I am out of my atmosphere.

Tomorrow is a new day....I will do better tomorrow...