Thinspo crap.........

The thinspo stuff infuriates me..........
I am old....much older than these darlings who post these pics....
If I was to post a "I wanna be like that" pic it wouldnt be of the skeleton..
see nasty pic........
I would post Gabrielle Reece....I want those muscles....I want to be strong

One day fast

I have to do a one day water fast........
I ingested so much salt yesterday my body has gone into shock........
We worked hard on the ambulance and healthy eating was not an option...
It was 7 11 food....chocos at the nurses station and I feel rotten.....
My uniform pants felt tight last night driving home from the city, and that is a
big freaking NO NO................

My partner looked at me at one point and said "I cant believe you of all people are eating that"......
THAT was a big fat muffin with choco chips nestled inside........
An egg salad sandwich on flax...with icky mayo.....................
I ate a small bag of gummi bears or some shit like that.....its not even a food....
I ate chocolates...GODIVA chocolates from one of the doctors.......
ALL SHIT FOOD.......not one peice of fruit...not one salad.......
I need to cleanse, and cleanse I shall...........................
after today back to healthy eating....all the things I do love...
oranges, bananas, salads (with a wee bot of chicken) nuts, all whole foods.......

I cant believe I am not sleeping....we crawled home at 04:00hrs......
I am the girl that needs lots of sleep.........I am debating a hot..hot bath and trying again in my bed........
I started a new book....sometimes I cant sleep when I start afresh........
I didnt want the last one to end....it really pisses me off when a good read comes to an end..........
I am obviously overtired as the words keep coming and coming......................

Okay now.....Hot Bath.....Hot bath....here I come........

only a few days....

I only have a few days (three to be exact) to get my head on straight.....
I have a mild form of ocd and the holidays throw everything out of whack....
I do the same thing everyday...I have to....I have to.......
its ritualistic.....from waking up.....to going to bed....
I can deviate but I get anxious and cant think clearly.....

I say three more days because on the morning of the fourth day I hit the road with my youngest......
we are going to see my cousin and her two little ones....they are so worth being a bit out of my element........Ella is almost three and Ruby will be one in February....

My cousin who is 10 years younger than me is more like a niece.....
It is important I go see her.......
You see Eating disorders run rampant in our family......
My sister is a decade plus anorectic....and my cousin is a recovering bulimic....
They have both lingered at the "white light" before and I need to talk about it...
I swore I would never go down that path but here I am....a independent, successful,
seemingly together 39 year old woman, with an ED.................................
I know I can get back to the healthy eating....I know by talking to her I will have someone I cant trick or deceive....she knows all the tricks of the trade...........

My sister is always hovering between life and death.....I have carried her into hospitals more than once because of a potassium deficiency....you see....your muscles stop working....your heart can stop as well..........I cant get to that extreme...for me it will be a gastric hemorrhage if I continue to purge.....I will bleed out....or perhaps an electrolyte imbalance will trigger a heart attack....
I need to get it together................

I want to be strong.......Fit.........feeling good.....that's what I want........
I want to think clearly.....to be sharp, on the ball, ready for anything at work...
I know all this stuff, it just putting it into practice............
Last night I ate a Greek salad, and the garlic toast.....I kept it down..........
I am proud of that....I felt huge...I felt nauseous......I felt dirty.......But it passed.......It did indeed pass..............

Ruby and ella......I cant wait to see them...I love children......I need children in my life............I look at their innocence and wish to have that back.............

We will leave New Years eve morning......its a long drive but it is so worth it...

I am so glad this holiday stuff is over....
I desperately need to get back to normal....
I feel like I am spinning out of control without my routines......

The children came home....we opened gifts, we laughed, we ate, we planted ourselves in front of the boob tube, now its over............

I ate well at Christmas, I did not purge once, I wont lie and say I didn't want to, but there was always someone around......................Its okay....its okay.....
I told myself this over and over....and guess what....it is okay......I did not gain 60 pounds after one heavy meal......
I do make a wonderful turkey, with all the dressings........I do...........

The only people left besides me is, my son, and my boyfriend.....
Its so very quiet because they tend to be night owls who sleep most of the hours before noon away.....Its good though...it gives me time to think...regroup as they say......I did manage to sneak away yesterday and go to the gym.....it felt so good
I need to sneak again today................put in a good movie and they wont even notice I am gone.............

Yesterday

Yesterday was fantastic.................
We volunteered at our local Christmas sharing program.
We arrived at 9 sharp in our clean, pressed, navy blue uniforms.
Make up done, hair in place, ready to help out.
Well my Lord.......11 hours later we were dirty, tired, freezing cold, with mascara
running down our faces.............................................................
It was fantastic...............
Every year our local food bank puts together Christmas hampers......
The hampers are awesome....... They contain everything from laundry soap to the all important dead bird. They even have gifts for the little ones.........It was heart warming.......next year we are going to get involved a bit earlier so we can help pack these boxes of love.......
When I made it home last night I flopped onto my sofa....cranked up the heating pad............and became a vegetable for a short while................
11 hours in the cold, on concrete isn't my ususal.....owwwwweeeeeeeee......then off to bed......my wee mind wouldn't shut off.....I hate that.....freakin hate that....
the day playing out over and over......the peoples faces....the mouse nest in one woman's trunk, the downcast eyes of some the the recipients, the lady wasted on crack,
some of these people have been in my ambulance before................................
The argument between a friend....she is Liberal.....I am conservative....
why do liberals think they are the only socially conscious people??????...........
That really pissed me off........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








The day went by..............I was tortured inside about food.......they fed us...
I ate....I ate lots.......and nowhere to purge...................................
It stayed in, and I do know my body needed it.......
How trivial it seems......how my thoughts were so contradictory to what we were doing..........providing food for the poor........................
I, who has food and money, thinking of how to get rid of the food in my belly....
what a fuck up......................

My Mother

My freaking mother..
She posted on facebook for all those snoopy busy bodies I call friends to see
"STOP LOSING WEIGHT"
My relationship with my mother is very hard to explain.....
I cant even explain it.....
LONG LONG story short...... SHE abandoned my baby sister and I when we were very Young..........My father raised us, and raised us well.....
Now that she has "found herself" she has become very needy and whiny; SHE now wants to be woven back into our everyday lives.......

Has anyone ever blocked their mother on facebook?????????...LMAO..............

My mother is very intelligent and very aloof....shall I say was aloof......
Now she calls and does the "I haven't heard from you, are you okay?".......
"When will I see you again".......I miss you, when are you going to invite us down for a visit.....and on and on........Its not like I am punishing her, its just that since I was 5 years old I had to learn to live without a mother, why should I now learn to live with her........
I am a christian and I would never intentionally try to hurt her, but its hard to include her in my everyday life.....I do try...a phone call here, an email there, but fuck......
Its hard to pretend ...................

The comment she posted on my facebook clearly states to me...I am your mother, and I can say that.......well no, mother you cant..........I deleted it and off I go......

Me at work this am..........
I will take another pic after 120 hours on call.....

work

Back on call for 5x24 hour shifts...
I wonder what will come through our swift mighty amb. doors??????????
I will not be off call until 8am Christmas morning.


I screwed up...the pic is me after my tour.......i think I look a wee bit pale lol..
but it never did prove to be very busy.............

My Son

My middle child (my son) called last night to tell me he is coming home for Christmas a bit early.
I am ecstatic.
He is wondering (flailing) around in life right now.
He is 18 and a half years old, unemployed, and seemingly unmotivated.
He is a wonderful young man.
smart, sensitive, opinionated, and Gay.
Yes he is gay. my son came out to me when he was 16.....he cried, I believe out of relief, a secret no more.
I embraced him and let him know that I had always known....I have known since he was two years old. I just knew...........
I am completely fine with it. this "coming out" was something I patiently waited for.
My son is very tall, trim and handsome......he does have some mannerisms that are, shall we say effeminate.........If you had the least bit of "Gaydar" you would peg him off the bat.
I am hoping this extra time together will help me understand why he hasn't found a job yet, why he isnt out there enjoying his youth, why he is so content with just being........
I have promised myself not to come on like an old "FISHWIFE", or mother nag.
I want him to come to the gym with me.....I want him to hold his shoulders back and stand tall....I want him to find his niche.....a group of friends that will support his lifestyle, his sexuality, his dreams....
I want him to Live........not just be, but to live, taste the world, spring out of bed and go get it...................
I am hoping he will arrive before I get home from work...........I cant wait to see him, to hug him, to talk to him, to try to get inside his head.
He has only been away from home since September but it feels like a lifetime.....
sooooooooo exccccciiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttteeeeeed......

Work

Work is good...
Work keeps my wee bitty mind busy....
There is no time in the back of a racing ambulance to think about food, and weight...
Sometimes a light goes off in my head and it says "Hold those belly muscles in".....
Breathe in...tight pull...... belly button to the spine, and back to work...........

I had a lovely 77 year old lady that had a heart rate would come up on the monitor as 0......now we all know that means death, but no....not with this lady.....
it would register as 0, then up to 14, then 60, then back to 0......
I would look, and wait in horror for her to clutch her chest, and pass out.....
It never happened........They (the ems Gods) say "treat your patient not the machine"
so I watched, and waited, observed, and watched, and she never became symtomatic....
I slowly let my schincters relax and decide to capture this on paper......I figure nobody will believe this........

I got it.....I got it....ON PAPER...a rhythm that looked very close to asystole with an oxygen saturation of 95% and a pulse of 0......it defies all logic......it was the weirdest thing ever in my carreer..........

Needless to say....I didnt have time for all my obsessions, my quircks, my bullshit war in my bitty brain.....it made me feel so alive to see someone so close to (on paper) death.............

yeah

Yesterday I did not PURGE......
I ate HEALTHY (except for the chocolate covered peanuts I grabbed at some stinking gas station on our way home from dropping off a patient at the nut house...(he he get it...the nuts..the patient...I am such a child)...............
Today, so far so good....healthy food in my belly, and I am going to keep it their.

It is 38 below here today and my Lord the heat just gets sucked out of your bones the moment you step outside.
I pray if I get any calls they are not accidents or outdoor falls and what not.......
people should just damn well stay home when its this cold.....
I would.................

caylee

I have been following the investigation of the missing child Caylee Anthony for a few months now.
They found her body (they are confident, DNA will confirm)
Most of the world knew she was dead (including myself) but you still pray
that we all got it all wrong, that yes she is alive...
It breaks my heart to see the grandparents trying to protect their daughter
(THE MURDERER).........They have now lost two people, the grandchild Caylee Marie Anthony,and their daughter.

I found it hard to include
Casey in my prayers last night. I felt sick thinking about her, but I did ask God to be with her.

children

Occasionally on a day off (I work a 96 hr on 96 hour off rotation)
I take in a dear friends children.
sometimes its overnight (shes a nurse working, not a hussy cruising)
sometime after school till her shift ends
sometimes before school
Anyway......I AM SO GLAD MINE ARE GROWN
I have three children
A daughter 20 yrs (OUT OF HOUSE)
A son 18 yrs (OUT OF HOUSE)
A daughter 12 yrs (AT HOME, AND A LOVELY INTELLECTUAL CHILD)

I forgot how they whine, or fight with their sibling, or just act plain old defiant because of being fatigued.
I forgot how their hair gets all nappy in there sleep, and the tears that come with combing it out.
I forgot how my mood was so easily influenced by theirs.

My youngest, that still dwells with me, is like me....
we enjoy quiet....and lots of it......
she will look at me when they are here and say "They make so much noise"
Or "How am I supposed to concentrate with all the racket"..............
she is an old soul in a prepubescent body.
We are a good pair
we are harmonious
we are two peas in a pod...

We are not always fuddy duddys............we do like to crank the music and dance up a sweat, we do have the occasional argument, but all in all we are in sync.........

I cant even fathom how I had the energy or patience for those tough years when you are nothing more than a mother..............A mother with messy hair, a mother that wears old tatty pants because the babes come first, a mother that couldn't think beyond bath time and bed for the babes..........
Perhaps if I had not had the first two so close together it wouldn't have been so hard, or such a blur...........
I don't regret a thing......it is what it was, and is now...............
My eldest called my last week and said "ITS BRITNEY BITCH"....
her name is Kayla so I was a bit confused.....then she announced
"WE ARE GOING TO BRITNEY SPEARS".........now this is pay off.....
we can enjoy each other as people......
I am so excited.......................

boobs

I like my boobs (a little less lately as they are shrinking)
Nevertheless...I like my boobs.........
I like them when I dress up, i like them in the shower, I like them in a bikini top,
I absolutely love them when I am on top and my man has to breathe them in.........

BUT....there is a problem.......like almost everything in this world...........

I wish when I am running I could put them in my back pack
when I am swimming I wish I could gently set them on the edge of the pool
When I lift the stretcher at work and some mans feet make contact, I wish i would have binded them flat.

They slow you done when running, I am so very conscious of the jiggle
Intentional jiggles are okay (you know, with your man) But I wonder how much faster I could swim or run without them

I do realize if this is my biggest worry I am damn lucky..........

On top of things...

I feel so much better today.......
I ate healthy...banana and bran bar for breakfast, then for an early lunch, a beautiful chicken salad, smothered in banana peppers.......I visualize this food making me fit, and strong....
I swam like normal today, but I noticed I was a wee bit on the weak side...
I know its from the past few days, and

punishing workout....

I have just come home from a punishing workout..........

I did everything a little bit harder, heavier, and faster.....

I am calm again........................................................................

I slid into a warm bath when I got home.......

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed a bit more............

I am clean again.......................................................................

Eating Out..........

Huge challenge.....
Eating out with my co-workers...........
I am so sick of "You are only having salad".....with a roll of the eyes.....
or "Why don't you just eat".........
all that drivel....
I am never going out to eat again......
I am never going to eat out again......

Today, to avoid all the questions I ate........I really ate.......
I ate a ginormous hamburger, and the greasy stinking fries........
I still feel dirty.....filthy.....dirty................

Now I am educated, and I do know this isnt rational, but I AM STILL FREAKIN DIRTY AND FILTHY WITH THAT SHIT INSIDE ME, not to mention swelling up with fat with every minute that ticks by............................Every day I say to self..."I WILL NOT PURGE TODAY".......and almost everyday, yeah you guessed it...........I PURGE...........................
I had to speed home (on very icy roads) to rid myself of the filth........I am torn......
I know its wrong....I Know all of it.....I KNOW, but I cant seem to stop.....................
Tomorrow is a new day..................................................

Today is weigh in Day

Its Friday, a week since the last time I stood on the freakin scale.....






I have stepped up the free weights and a lit more speed on the treadmill so I am afraid the muscle will make the numbers HUGE...Large...BIG....Ginormous..........






If it does go that way my little pea sized brain should be happy...its muscle after all, and muscle burns fat..................................But I still get all stressed and tensed up when the dial goes past






my currently maintained weight. Which is big, but lighter than I have weighed in 20 some years..


( took me a moment, a hard moment to remember my eldest is 20....aggghhhh that makes me older, and older woman, mature wise woman, a cougar, a pre middle aging woman..)


Anyway...back to the rant.........I weigh less now than I did when I was 18..........


BUT WHY, WHY, do I feel bigger..........like a sloth.....a chubby sloth with a cute pixie haircut, a cool job, and lots of friends..................why!!!!!!!!!!!!!......The only time I feel fit, strong, and sexy is when I am sweating on the treadmill, or closing in on the last of my laps in the pool................Otherwise


its jiggle wiggle, ooopppsss hold those belly muscles tight............


My uniform pants still fit after the time off post surgery...that was a good thing.....


I was so scared I would pack some pounds off during recovery..................................





Well frick.......I know its another day...another day to get it right.....


Eat good foods......exercise....smile to the freaking world, then come home a go to bed....


One sweet thing is my man is coming for a visit............we have been dating three years..


he loved me fat and he loves me now...medium fat......lol........


He is my rock....my calming man....he can bring me down from a full out rant and help me see


the good in the bad...............he can kick the soap box out from under me and catch me and say "Its okay".................


I Love him................

Possible adult attention deficit: see below image

wow.....talk about short attention span......from my big weigh in to my love in a few seconds flat...

First day Back

Today is my first day back after six long recovery weeks.

I am a bit nervous, its like starting a new job.

I wonder if I forgot how to write a good PCR, or how

to talk to a drunk (THAT I WANT TO PUNCH) kindly after they roll

there vehicle at highway speed.

I do NOT miss crawling out of my bed at 3 am and roaring to a JOKE

call.......( the ones where the Pt. just doesn't feel good)

I do miss the feeling of accomplishment after a critical call that goes well.....Yes, I miss that....

I wonder if I will remember med dosages ( if not i was sure to put my reference guide in my uniform pants)....................................

I wonder if anyone will call me a "cunt," a "bitch," or ask "are you sure you can lift that"

I wonder if I will get a suicide call, a gunshot, a fall, a Grannie call, a fracture, or my fave. shit and puke call?????...I wonder........

I also wonder, will it be quiet, it might be, I hope so, I would like to ease back in slowly.

I wonder if I have the will power to pull away and jump in the shower and get ready...LOL.....

I do.... I do....I am going now to scrub the sleep off my body.....................

stand still

I am at a stand still........

I have taken off 43 pounds since last December.....

I worked my ass off, literally. I swim three times a week, treadmill 5 times a week, weights 3 times a week, and now I am standing still on the scale, and in the mirror.

I feel heavier than I did when I hauled my fat body onto the treadmill last December.

My BMI went from 34.0 to 27.6...I am very proud of this but I am standing still......

The past few months I have been binging.......Eating the crap I stayed away from for more than 6 months.................I feel as though I am losing control.......................................A vicious cycle of binging and yes (blushing) occasionally purging.....

I am a grown woman and I should know better.....I should know, I do know.....

Yesterday I ate a whole box of chocolates......yeah, the whole box....maraschino chocolate covered cherries....the box was destined to go in one of my children's Christmas stockings..........ahhhhhhh

I took the other boxes over to my Dads house, in case of another "ms. PAC man" mouth episode........

The little white

balls are the

cherries.........

Yellow lady is

me!!!!!!!!!!

Dad

This morning I woke to my alarm at 5:00......

I didn't have to work, so it did seem very early......

I had to pick up my Dad and drive him to the airport.

We live in a small town so the nearest airport is two hours away.

We decided to leave early as the weather can change in a heartbeat here in Alberta Canada.

Usually at this time of year we are covered in snow and ice, accompanied by rigid temperatures

(-30 Celsius isn't unusual), but this am it was +3, with no snow, no ice, and no wind. It was a relief..............

I turned the corner onto my Dads street and there he was, in the dark, waiting out front......

(He is a dork, its where I inherited that quality)...........

I helped him with his 400 pound suitcase (dumb move, if I knew how much it weighed I wouldn't have)...................My Dad is very fit for his age and could have handled it quite well himself............

Off we went......down the highway..............In My silver dodge with brand new snow tires........( With no freaking snow or ice for hundreds of miles)

Dad was quite concerned that I haven't been following the upheaval in our fine Canadian government. This of course meant a 2 hour lesson during the drive......

I didn't roll my eyes....not even once.........I value my Dads opinion more than any other man on this planet, but shit, its 5 in the morning............................

At the airport I said "I love you".......normal for most families (I think) , And Dad said "I Love you too"........................He is a very Conservative man and one who rarely expresses emotions...

It made me feel all warm and fuzzy.....................That was my morning...........

After the 649 win purchases.....Cash purchases...

Like a child making a wish list for Christmas,

I am making a "Big lottery win" wish list.