Sunday, December 28, 2008

only a few days....

I only have a few days (three to be exact) to get my head on straight.....
I have a mild form of ocd and the holidays throw everything out of whack....
I do the same thing everyday...I have to....I have to.......
its ritualistic.....from waking up.....to going to bed....
I can deviate but I get anxious and cant think clearly.....

I say three more days because on the morning of the fourth day I hit the road with my youngest......
we are going to see my cousin and her two little ones....they are so worth being a bit out of my element........Ella is almost three and Ruby will be one in February....

My cousin who is 10 years younger than me is more like a niece.....
It is important I go see her.......
You see Eating disorders run rampant in our family......
My sister is a decade plus anorectic....and my cousin is a recovering bulimic....
They have both lingered at the "white light" before and I need to talk about it...
I swore I would never go down that path but here I am....a independent, successful,
seemingly together 39 year old woman, with an ED.................................
I know I can get back to the healthy eating....I know by talking to her I will have someone I cant trick or deceive....she knows all the tricks of the trade...........

My sister is always hovering between life and death.....I have carried her into hospitals more than once because of a potassium deficiency....you see....your muscles stop working....your heart can stop as well..........I cant get to that extreme...for me it will be a gastric hemorrhage if I continue to purge.....I will bleed out....or perhaps an electrolyte imbalance will trigger a heart attack....
I need to get it together................

I want to be strong.......Fit.........feeling good.....that's what I want........
I want to think clearly.....to be sharp, on the ball, ready for anything at work...
I know all this stuff, it just putting it into practice............
Last night I ate a Greek salad, and the garlic toast.....I kept it down..........
I am proud of that....I felt huge...I felt nauseous......I felt dirty.......But it passed.......It did indeed pass..............

Ruby and ella......I cant wait to see them...I love children......I need children in my life............I look at their innocence and wish to have that back.............

We will leave New Years eve morning......its a long drive but it is so worth it...

2 comments:

Wraith said...

I have OCD too, it really sucks.
As far as the family thing goes, it's terrible that so many members of your family suffer from eating disorders, and I wish them all luck in getting better.

MelissaS said...

i so respect your honesty. and your desire to get better. i understand the rituals -absolutely. and you're brave to let them get thrown off. eating disorders do seem to run in families. such hard lives. hang in there. it's completely doable.