Thinspo crap.........

The thinspo stuff infuriates me..........
I am old....much older than these darlings who post these pics....
If I was to post a "I wanna be like that" pic it wouldnt be of the skeleton..
see nasty pic........
I would post Gabrielle Reece....I want those muscles....I want to be strong

One day fast

I have to do a one day water fast........
I ingested so much salt yesterday my body has gone into shock........
We worked hard on the ambulance and healthy eating was not an option...
It was 7 11 food....chocos at the nurses station and I feel rotten.....
My uniform pants felt tight last night driving home from the city, and that is a
big freaking NO NO................

My partner looked at me at one point and said "I cant believe you of all people are eating that"......
THAT was a big fat muffin with choco chips nestled inside........
An egg salad sandwich on flax...with icky mayo.....................
I ate a small bag of gummi bears or some shit like that.....its not even a food....
I ate chocolates...GODIVA chocolates from one of the doctors.......
ALL SHIT FOOD.......not one peice of fruit...not one salad.......
I need to cleanse, and cleanse I shall...........................
after today back to healthy eating....all the things I do love...
oranges, bananas, salads (with a wee bot of chicken) nuts, all whole foods.......

I cant believe I am not sleeping....we crawled home at 04:00hrs......
I am the girl that needs lots of sleep.........I am debating a hot..hot bath and trying again in my bed........
I started a new book....sometimes I cant sleep when I start afresh........
I didnt want the last one to end....it really pisses me off when a good read comes to an end..........
I am obviously overtired as the words keep coming and coming......................

Okay now.....Hot Bath.....Hot bath....here I come........

only a few days....

I only have a few days (three to be exact) to get my head on straight.....
I have a mild form of ocd and the holidays throw everything out of whack....
I do the same thing everyday...I have to....I have to.......
its ritualistic.....from waking up.....to going to bed....
I can deviate but I get anxious and cant think clearly.....

I say three more days because on the morning of the fourth day I hit the road with my youngest......
we are going to see my cousin and her two little ones....they are so worth being a bit out of my element........Ella is almost three and Ruby will be one in February....

My cousin who is 10 years younger than me is more like a niece.....
It is important I go see her.......
You see Eating disorders run rampant in our family......
My sister is a decade plus anorectic....and my cousin is a recovering bulimic....
They have both lingered at the "white light" before and I need to talk about it...
I swore I would never go down that path but here I am....a independent, successful,
seemingly together 39 year old woman, with an ED.................................
I know I can get back to the healthy eating....I know by talking to her I will have someone I cant trick or deceive....she knows all the tricks of the trade...........

My sister is always hovering between life and death.....I have carried her into hospitals more than once because of a potassium deficiency....you see....your muscles stop working....your heart can stop as well..........I cant get to that extreme...for me it will be a gastric hemorrhage if I continue to purge.....I will bleed out....or perhaps an electrolyte imbalance will trigger a heart attack....
I need to get it together................

I want to be strong.......Fit.........feeling good.....that's what I want........
I want to think clearly.....to be sharp, on the ball, ready for anything at work...
I know all this stuff, it just putting it into practice............
Last night I ate a Greek salad, and the garlic toast.....I kept it down..........
I am proud of that....I felt huge...I felt nauseous......I felt dirty.......But it passed.......It did indeed pass..............

Ruby and ella......I cant wait to see them...I love children......I need children in my life............I look at their innocence and wish to have that back.............

We will leave New Years eve morning......its a long drive but it is so worth it...

I am so glad this holiday stuff is over....
I desperately need to get back to normal....
I feel like I am spinning out of control without my routines......

The children came home....we opened gifts, we laughed, we ate, we planted ourselves in front of the boob tube, now its over............

I ate well at Christmas, I did not purge once, I wont lie and say I didn't want to, but there was always someone around......................Its okay....its okay.....
I told myself this over and over....and guess what....it is okay......I did not gain 60 pounds after one heavy meal......
I do make a wonderful turkey, with all the dressings........I do...........

The only people left besides me is, my son, and my boyfriend.....
Its so very quiet because they tend to be night owls who sleep most of the hours before noon away.....Its good though...it gives me time to think...regroup as they say......I did manage to sneak away yesterday and go to the gym.....it felt so good
I need to sneak again today................put in a good movie and they wont even notice I am gone.............

Yesterday

Yesterday was fantastic.................
We volunteered at our local Christmas sharing program.
We arrived at 9 sharp in our clean, pressed, navy blue uniforms.
Make up done, hair in place, ready to help out.
Well my Lord.......11 hours later we were dirty, tired, freezing cold, with mascara
running down our faces.............................................................
It was fantastic...............
Every year our local food bank puts together Christmas hampers......
The hampers are awesome....... They contain everything from laundry soap to the all important dead bird. They even have gifts for the little ones.........It was heart warming.......next year we are going to get involved a bit earlier so we can help pack these boxes of love.......
When I made it home last night I flopped onto my sofa....cranked up the heating pad............and became a vegetable for a short while................
11 hours in the cold, on concrete isn't my ususal.....owwwwweeeeeeeee......then off to bed......my wee mind wouldn't shut off.....I hate that.....freakin hate that....
the day playing out over and over......the peoples faces....the mouse nest in one woman's trunk, the downcast eyes of some the the recipients, the lady wasted on crack,
some of these people have been in my ambulance before................................
The argument between a friend....she is Liberal.....I am conservative....
why do liberals think they are the only socially conscious people??????...........
That really pissed me off........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








The day went by..............I was tortured inside about food.......they fed us...
I ate....I ate lots.......and nowhere to purge...................................
It stayed in, and I do know my body needed it.......
How trivial it seems......how my thoughts were so contradictory to what we were doing..........providing food for the poor........................
I, who has food and money, thinking of how to get rid of the food in my belly....
what a fuck up......................

My Mother

My freaking mother..
She posted on facebook for all those snoopy busy bodies I call friends to see
"STOP LOSING WEIGHT"
My relationship with my mother is very hard to explain.....
I cant even explain it.....
LONG LONG story short...... SHE abandoned my baby sister and I when we were very Young..........My father raised us, and raised us well.....
Now that she has "found herself" she has become very needy and whiny; SHE now wants to be woven back into our everyday lives.......

Has anyone ever blocked their mother on facebook?????????...LMAO..............

My mother is very intelligent and very aloof....shall I say was aloof......
Now she calls and does the "I haven't heard from you, are you okay?".......
"When will I see you again".......I miss you, when are you going to invite us down for a visit.....and on and on........Its not like I am punishing her, its just that since I was 5 years old I had to learn to live without a mother, why should I now learn to live with her........
I am a christian and I would never intentionally try to hurt her, but its hard to include her in my everyday life.....I do try...a phone call here, an email there, but fuck......
Its hard to pretend ...................

The comment she posted on my facebook clearly states to me...I am your mother, and I can say that.......well no, mother you cant..........I deleted it and off I go......

Me at work this am..........
I will take another pic after 120 hours on call.....