Eating Out..........

Huge challenge.....
Eating out with my co-workers...........
I am so sick of "You are only having salad".....with a roll of the eyes.....
or "Why don't you just eat".........
all that drivel....
I am never going out to eat again......
I am never going to eat out again......

Today, to avoid all the questions I ate........I really ate.......
I ate a ginormous hamburger, and the greasy stinking fries........
I still feel dirty.....filthy.....dirty................

Now I am educated, and I do know this isnt rational, but I AM STILL FREAKIN DIRTY AND FILTHY WITH THAT SHIT INSIDE ME, not to mention swelling up with fat with every minute that ticks by............................Every day I say to self..."I WILL NOT PURGE TODAY".......and almost everyday, yeah you guessed it...........I PURGE...........................
I had to speed home (on very icy roads) to rid myself of the filth........I am torn......
I know its wrong....I Know all of it.....I KNOW, but I cant seem to stop.....................
Tomorrow is a new day..................................................

Today is weigh in Day

Its Friday, a week since the last time I stood on the freakin scale.....






I have stepped up the free weights and a lit more speed on the treadmill so I am afraid the muscle will make the numbers HUGE...Large...BIG....Ginormous..........






If it does go that way my little pea sized brain should be happy...its muscle after all, and muscle burns fat..................................But I still get all stressed and tensed up when the dial goes past






my currently maintained weight. Which is big, but lighter than I have weighed in 20 some years..


( took me a moment, a hard moment to remember my eldest is 20....aggghhhh that makes me older, and older woman, mature wise woman, a cougar, a pre middle aging woman..)


Anyway...back to the rant.........I weigh less now than I did when I was 18..........


BUT WHY, WHY, do I feel bigger..........like a sloth.....a chubby sloth with a cute pixie haircut, a cool job, and lots of friends..................why!!!!!!!!!!!!!......The only time I feel fit, strong, and sexy is when I am sweating on the treadmill, or closing in on the last of my laps in the pool................Otherwise


its jiggle wiggle, ooopppsss hold those belly muscles tight............


My uniform pants still fit after the time off post surgery...that was a good thing.....


I was so scared I would pack some pounds off during recovery..................................





Well frick.......I know its another day...another day to get it right.....


Eat good foods......exercise....smile to the freaking world, then come home a go to bed....


One sweet thing is my man is coming for a visit............we have been dating three years..


he loved me fat and he loves me now...medium fat......lol........


He is my rock....my calming man....he can bring me down from a full out rant and help me see


the good in the bad...............he can kick the soap box out from under me and catch me and say "Its okay".................


I Love him................

Possible adult attention deficit: see below image

wow.....talk about short attention span......from my big weigh in to my love in a few seconds flat...

First day Back

Today is my first day back after six long recovery weeks.

I am a bit nervous, its like starting a new job.

I wonder if I forgot how to write a good PCR, or how

to talk to a drunk (THAT I WANT TO PUNCH) kindly after they roll

there vehicle at highway speed.

I do NOT miss crawling out of my bed at 3 am and roaring to a JOKE

call.......( the ones where the Pt. just doesn't feel good)

I do miss the feeling of accomplishment after a critical call that goes well.....Yes, I miss that....

I wonder if I will remember med dosages ( if not i was sure to put my reference guide in my uniform pants)....................................

I wonder if anyone will call me a "cunt," a "bitch," or ask "are you sure you can lift that"

I wonder if I will get a suicide call, a gunshot, a fall, a Grannie call, a fracture, or my fave. shit and puke call?????...I wonder........

I also wonder, will it be quiet, it might be, I hope so, I would like to ease back in slowly.

I wonder if I have the will power to pull away and jump in the shower and get ready...LOL.....

I do.... I do....I am going now to scrub the sleep off my body.....................

stand still

I am at a stand still........

I have taken off 43 pounds since last December.....

I worked my ass off, literally. I swim three times a week, treadmill 5 times a week, weights 3 times a week, and now I am standing still on the scale, and in the mirror.

I feel heavier than I did when I hauled my fat body onto the treadmill last December.

My BMI went from 34.0 to 27.6...I am very proud of this but I am standing still......

The past few months I have been binging.......Eating the crap I stayed away from for more than 6 months.................I feel as though I am losing control.......................................A vicious cycle of binging and yes (blushing) occasionally purging.....

I am a grown woman and I should know better.....I should know, I do know.....

Yesterday I ate a whole box of chocolates......yeah, the whole box....maraschino chocolate covered cherries....the box was destined to go in one of my children's Christmas stockings..........ahhhhhhh

I took the other boxes over to my Dads house, in case of another "ms. PAC man" mouth episode........

The little white

balls are the

cherries.........

Yellow lady is

me!!!!!!!!!!

Dad

This morning I woke to my alarm at 5:00......

I didn't have to work, so it did seem very early......

I had to pick up my Dad and drive him to the airport.

We live in a small town so the nearest airport is two hours away.

We decided to leave early as the weather can change in a heartbeat here in Alberta Canada.

Usually at this time of year we are covered in snow and ice, accompanied by rigid temperatures

(-30 Celsius isn't unusual), but this am it was +3, with no snow, no ice, and no wind. It was a relief..............

I turned the corner onto my Dads street and there he was, in the dark, waiting out front......

(He is a dork, its where I inherited that quality)...........

I helped him with his 400 pound suitcase (dumb move, if I knew how much it weighed I wouldn't have)...................My Dad is very fit for his age and could have handled it quite well himself............

Off we went......down the highway..............In My silver dodge with brand new snow tires........( With no freaking snow or ice for hundreds of miles)

Dad was quite concerned that I haven't been following the upheaval in our fine Canadian government. This of course meant a 2 hour lesson during the drive......

I didn't roll my eyes....not even once.........I value my Dads opinion more than any other man on this planet, but shit, its 5 in the morning............................

At the airport I said "I love you".......normal for most families (I think) , And Dad said "I Love you too"........................He is a very Conservative man and one who rarely expresses emotions...

It made me feel all warm and fuzzy.....................That was my morning...........

After the 649 win purchases.....Cash purchases...

Like a child making a wish list for Christmas,

I am making a "Big lottery win" wish list.