Fresh and Clean

new goal for summer of 2010

2009-11-19T05:08:00.002-07:00

So long since I have posted.
I have been training with a new goal in mind.
Half marathon this summer.

I managed to complete a 10km this past summer and did it without much trouble so its time to make things a wee bit more challenging.

I recently purchased a Nike running chip....
I love it. It records all my runs, I think it will help me keep better track during this time of training.

I have keep off 50 of the 60lbs I lost.....
somehow 10 snuck back onto my body.
pisses me right off...............
no matter... I will torch it off with my increased kms.

2009-06-22T07:09:00.002-06:00

Stomach feels flat
back muscles tight
I feel pretty good.

I put my scale in the garage
not much separation anxiety.

I will run my first 10 km July 19
I will finish even if I have to crawl
my left foot goes numb at the 5km mark, wonder what will happen at the 10 km.

Off to the pool, then strength training at 5:30.........

2009-06-09T06:49:00.003-06:00

pic is at my daughters grade 7 overnight camp out
My ab muscles are killing me....on ab day they swell after exercise, but the next morning.......wow they feel tight and strong.....

Tonight is boot camp...another killer...I thought my legs were in shape....apparently I had been missing numerous muscles that the work out makes me painfully aware of......

The scale is a bitch.....I know I am putting on muscle and its heavier than fat, but the anxiety is awful when it reads *fat*.............

A co worker and I registered for a 10 km in July...it will be my first....I am comfortable with the 5km, and barely sweat so its time to challenge myself and make things harder.

My stroke in the pool feels strong......I love the feeling of gliding through the water....nothing in the world beats that.......

Soon my daughter will start summer holidays....I love it when a child can kick back and enjoy.....she loves tennis so I must make time to go and hit the ball with her.
She also loves to read (just like her mother) so I need to renew our library cards
and make sure she has access to all the books in the world.......

I am truly blessed and grateful for this life I have been given

2009-06-02T05:39:00.004-06:00

In Canada winter and Spring are Night and Day...........
see my little car...I drove the required mini van for years (raising kids)
now I drive a little dinkie car, and I love it.

Boot Camp

2009-06-02T05:24:00.003-06:00

It starts tonight...BOOT CAMP...
I am so hoping to learn some new stuff.
I need a change up in my routine so bad.

I have deemed June ab month...
I will do 5 ab exercises everyday for the month of June....

So now we have Swimming Monday, Wednesday, and Friday
Boot camp Tuesday, and Thursday
Abs everyday
Try to get three 5km runs in a week.

I think it will be tough, but very rewarding.

June >>>> The ab month.......

2009-05-30T07:05:00.002-06:00

This month I will focus exclusively on my abs.
Yeah yeah I will continue to work my other parts, but June is AB month........
I have been running and swimming hard, but I need some focus on my core......

I also want to try to kick the dirty smoking habit....Its out of control...
my breathing in the pool and on my runs, is disgraceful......What a shame...
I am fit...fit...fit....and then after a good sweat I light up....sick sick sick...

B/P has become an issue again.....throat is so sore....muscles hurt.....I need to grab the reigns of the wild horse called "my Life"............................

Its the 30th....I will start today and as of the 1st its military w/o's

2009-05-27T04:38:00.002-06:00

Not sure what is going on with my toes.....
Last night during my 5km run my toes in my left foot acted up....pain was awful, I ended up walking last km.
ususally they go numb and BOOM no pain.........

wish I had a foot massage man ready at the door when I arrive home all dusty and sweaty.

wow

2009-05-24T06:27:00.001-06:00

I found this pic stunning, informative, and an inspiration to continue with my goals
the heavy one weighs 220lbs... the slim 120 lbs.

2009-05-24T06:18:00.003-06:00

I am not friends with the scale this week.
I miss the feeling of my stomach being empty, flat, tight.
I understand that I am pms and I always feel like a pregnant yak this time of month.

I refuse to go back to my old habit of over eating.
this month has been poor, poor, poor.........

I need to get back on track....get my mojo back.

The death of my grandma made my internal dialogue turn on me....
instead of straight and narrow...it said "go ahead, eat it"....
"you poor thing, you lost grandma, eat more ice cream".........
I have to turn that pity party off and get back on track.......
the B/P has been at an all time high.....so not good...........

drunk

2009-05-22T05:27:00.002-06:00

My best friend of 30 years (since grade 2) is a drunk.
I love her.
we have lived our lives always in touch, always close.
we had our first periods together.
Our babies together
Divorces together
Boyfriends together
ups.......
and way downs.
always together.

It upsets me to drop by at 5pm and hear the slur.....
see the confusion
watch the shoddy cover up

When we lived together she threw her cans out....
She hid her beer under her bed (warm beer yuck)

Her kids know "no other way"
we had serious talks many times over the years about this.....
she does good for awhile then right back at it

Its time for another talk
a long non judgemental talk
I pray for her
I love her

I am sure she is suffering from Wernickies Korsakoff syndrome

mothers day run....I ran for Grandma Sand........

2009-05-12T06:01:00.003-06:00

2009-05-11T06:07:00.002-06:00

Ran my second 5K.....
It was so interesting. The course was the same, but this time I whipped past all the spots I had to stop and walk last year. It felt good....a real pay off to getting fit.
The run was called "Mothers Day run for the Stollery children's hospital"
A cause near and dear to my heart as my own child had a tumour removed from her leg
in 2005 at the stollery.......

When running through the finish I saw my two daughters beaming with pride...
I could hear my father yelling "go Rachel"......
I loved it....I lived life to the fullest in those God given moments........

LAST YEAR and A BIT OF THIS YEAR

2009-05-08T06:42:00.002-06:00

Last year I lost 55 lbs
I ran my first 5km run
I started swimming again
my boyfriend gave me a "shut up ring"
I adjusted the people I allow to be around me
I bought a new Car
I started blogging
I revamped my bedroom (new floor, paint, light fixture)
I did not drink any alcohol
I painted my daughters room purple (grape)
I had a good pap
I had a new bigger deck put on my house
I went to Britney Spears and the pussy cat dolls
I made more time for my eldest (daughter, lives on her own)
I became close to a new friend
I read hundreds of good books
I started worrying about my sons future
I purged way to much (once is to much)
I tanned too much
I watched my youngest go from a little girl to a young woman
I helped save a few lives
I watched a few people die

this year
I lost my Grandma
I gained a new cousin "Molly Ray"
I worked out in a new town, new pool, new gym
I said to hell with the politics at work
I went from to conservative to who the fuck knows....just no more conservative vote from me
I see my sister slowly dying of anorexia

2009-04-17T07:17:00.002-06:00

so much has happened.......
I travelled around my province on my 12 days off...
I visited family, shopped, ate good food...it was fantastic.....

at the end of holidays my daughter took me and my BFF to Britney spears and the pussy cat dolls.......what a show....it was one of the best stage shoes I have ever been to......

I kept up my work outs by swimming and Aqua size with the Blue hairs.....

My cousin had a beautiful baby girl on April 1st....9 pounds 13 oz.
Big baby.......miracle baby as my cousin had her cervix removed due to cancer...
she carried to term with the help of some well place stitches...........

When I arrived back home I painted my porch white............clean fresh white....
I have a very large porch and it looks great......I used red accent pieces for a splash of color...............

Life is there to live.....I choose to live.......I want to live the best life I can...

I did not stand on a scale once when tootling around........
I was tempted to drop by a Walmart and weigh but I resisted...............

When all is said and holidays over, I did not gain a pound, nor did I purge once...

2009-03-17T07:06:00.000-06:00

no more...

2009-03-17T06:59:00.002-06:00

No more purging....no freaking more....
I do love my teeth
my esophagus
my life

No more...
what I eat will stay in my stomach....

clean eating is what I need to continue
I do so well for so long then fall off my red wagon

No more....
Its crack down time....
I am my own mother
master
boss

2009-03-15T08:11:00.002-06:00

Plateau Plateau Plateau
I sit at the same weight
month after month
I have to make the scale budge

It (the master scale) will move, one pound up, one pound down, but no actual action.
I have turned up the work outs......
I even flex my abs when I take time out for a movie, at the computer, or even driving my car....
Its so frustrating
I cant restrict anymore...I already have dizzy spells......
I am just stuck on my plateau waiting.....

There is one last place on my body that harbours fat.
My belly....my road map of life....
three babies lived in there....many surgeries happened there.....two husbands touched me there.....
I want it gone....the fat..the fat.....
I am thinking of seeing my surgeon.....I know its the easy way out but I didn't lose 60 pounds to still have a pot belly......
fricking frick.........

2009-03-11T08:18:00.000-06:00

2009-03-11T07:56:00.003-06:00

Last night at the gym I was taught how to do a double crunch..
Ouch...they leave a burn behind...
The treadmill at the gym is being repaired so I was forced to do more with weights..
I didn't think it would be as good as running and having sweat drip down my back, but it was.......I hurt everywhere..........its such a comforting hurt....

Went to bed early and was awakened by my pager.....aggghhhh
crawling out of bed to jump in the ambulance when it is 39below is not freaking fun..
my car groaned....I groaned......so cold...so very cold.....
when we finished up I cranked my electric blanket into over drive to warm me..........I do not tolerate the cold anymore......

2009-03-06T06:28:00.003-07:00

Felt I needed to post this crap separately..........
WEIGHT........was up 6 pounds...I do know I am PMS and probable retaining water
but AGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH.....makes me uneasy....
This AM the glorious bitch of a scale says..."calm down, you are back to your current weight""""""......................Now I can relax............
Still no period, but at least the evil numbers are where the should be.......

I do realize this sounds ridiculous, but I cant seem to help it.....
I have real stuff going on and I am a slave to the scale and what I eat...
Oh what a world I have created for my self.....

If it was my daughter posting this shit I would be devastated and demand she love herself the way she is...............It would break my heart.......so why do I allow it??????????...........
Just ranting...may get a grip when my period starts...if it ever comes.......

2009-03-06T06:04:00.002-07:00

Today at 11:30 I go with my union rep. to view, and copy my personnel file at work.
My boss told me on Wednesday, over the phone he had copied posts I made on face book and put them in my work performance file.

I was shocked, very angry, and would like to nail his small set of balls to an old fence and leave him to rot.

I feel like I am in the movie BIG BROTHER....

I reviewed said posts, and I am comfortable that what I wrote was truth and can be backed up will mounds of paper work collected by our union.

My boss is not a friend on FB, so now I have deleted all those I figure may have lead him to my posts. This has made me rather Paranoid....not a cool feeling.

My boss deserves no respect......
He gets no respect....
From any of my fellow co workers....

On the phone he says, and I state.... "I am mad at you".....
I reply "why"
Boss wimpers "because of posts you made on facebook"....
I calmly ask...."which ones".........
He stutters...."The ones about male EMT's being paid more than female EMT"s, and the "old boys club".....
I laughed (nervously)...and replied.."Anything I wrote is true, and in no way slanderous"............
He became silent.....(his we brain must have recalled the human rights inquiry that was made against our fine little county about the gender inequality.......They settled it and hoped it would never come up again...( forced by our Union to settle)

Today is going to be important in my world....

2009-03-02T06:36:00.003-07:00

Bought my first pair of SAUCONY Running shoes....will it help me run the 10 km in May???????????????????

I pray it will...last year I did the 5km and my toes on the left went numb....
I will start to break these shoes in tonight so they should be good and worn for the run.

2009-03-01T19:22:00.002-07:00

I danced all night.......
it was fantastic.....................................

the rest of the weekend was spent visiting family....
and yep....eating....all they do is eat...I found it so hard to resist...
Technically I couldn't resit and purged twice yesterday and once today....awww...I hate leaving my routine....I feel powerless when I am out of my atmosphere.

Tomorrow is a new day....I will do better tomorrow...

2009-02-27T05:52:00.002-07:00

Waiting...
sometimes the waiting, the anticipation is more enjoyable than the actual day. (Event,goal,etc.)
Christmas for example.......I love the planning, the details, the build up, and then oooopppsss there it is....what a let down....
A goal weight........The projecting, the working, the dreaming of how it will feel, and then ooooooppppps there it is......Just another day...........
Raising your babies.....dreaming of them being grown.......yeah you guessed...oooops there it is.................grown children and a very empty nest..............
Your wedding.....all that planning...its just sick and then ooopps there it is.....

I think what I am slowly discovering is not to put so much emphasis on the future...
live in the day that is TODAY.........

I have a big party tonight and I have been planning for a few weeks what I will wear,
how much I will eat the day of the party, what I will weigh as I dance the night away, and today is the day and I am already disappointed.....I liked the wait...the planning...............you don't actually have to be with the people when thinking about the party......you don't have to actually be dressed and prettied up when planning for the party..............aggghhhh...now its here and I have to go.....

2009-02-22T12:47:00.002-07:00

My abs are hurting something fierce...especially the LUQ.....owweee.....
I think its from the new exercise my work partner taught me....I didn't think
it would work me this hard...
Work is work...three more 24's then a 5 day stretch off.....
I am so excited because I am getting a large income tax return next week....
After I pay all my bills I think I will buy a treadmill........I could increase my running without eyebrows being raised and perhaps my daughter would use it as well...
she is at a tender age and doesn't want to go to the gym because someone may see her...
I understand...I remember what girls could be like when I was young....

2009-02-21T06:18:00.001-07:00

Lowest weight since high school ...REACHED TODAY..................................
so freaking happy.............

2009-02-20T20:10:00.001-07:00

I just finished a fantastic workout......
I feel so good....so strong.............
I can actually face the mirror when I lift the free weights and like what I see....
I know this is fleeting but I will enjoy it on an up day..........
I did not B/P today....another great thing....no sore eyes.....
no red puffy face.....I did eat......proud of it....healthy stuff only......
I wish I had more of these days.......
I will pray for more...

2009-02-19T08:00:00.003-07:00

I have been so out of routine, working in other towns on the ambulance trying to workout in motel rooms....what a challenge......I hate when we have to go out for meals........I never eat bread normally, but when we are on a wait....well bread bread and maybe pasta............all the company at my home is also disconcerting...
everyone needs to eat....and eat they do.....then they are hungry again.....and then again............I am still fretting about what I put in my gob 7 hours ago and they want to do it again..............

Well things are back to normal......workouts are back to normal....the quiet is back.........................

My daughter (21 yrs)called the other night and said..."I have something to tell you"
Well I nearly shit.......I am going to be a grandma I thought.........Oh Boy ..I need to brace myself................

"Mom Beyonce is coming......wanna go?"........my heart dropped and rose at the same time...........

YESSSSSSS....YEEEEESSSSSSSSS I want to go..................................I cried...

Now we have Beyonce on the 26th of March...then Britney on April 6th....sounds like a great way to welcome spring.............

I am not going to be a grandma yet............heart rises and fall at the same time...

2009-02-08T17:32:00.002-07:00

Very good cleansing work out this evening..
I added a few more cardio minutes, and I added a few more reps to each set
of weights........
I had sweat just running off of me.........That's the whole idea right?

Tonight I am being a lazy mom...
I told my 18 year old son to make supper for himself and his sister...
this way I don't even have to look at food.......I did eat today....
all healthy, and I don't want to ruin a good day with a b/p.........
After the darlings eat and do the freaking dishes we will all cuddle up and watch
desperate housewives...(such a family show...lol)......then hopefully a good sleep with no ambulance calls........

Life is good today......
I am thankful.....

2009-02-07T07:14:00.002-07:00

Yeah.........we got a raise....only 5% but a raise never the less.....
I am grateful, because the recession is hitting close to home.........

I plan to buy a treadmill so I can work out at home and then people wont realize how much I work out......I am oh so sneaky............................

My sister was here for a 2x day visit with her hubby and all four kids....
Very busy noisy house for a while.....(a new puppy as well)....
I am now welcoming the silence.....its easier to think when its quiet......

I am now going to get myself ready for work......
I am much calmer after I got my house back in ORDER, and a good long sleep...
Thank you lord for NO CALLS in the night.......

2009-02-04T05:51:00.002-07:00

My Boyfriend
He is a lovely man
He is a Dr.(CHIRO)
He is my rock
However he nearly had me laying on the floor crying yesterday......

He asked how much more weight I want to lose and I said 20lbs
He then said why not 40 lbs ...........

We do not live together so he has no idea what goes on in my secret bulimic life...................................

He has no idea.....I thank God I am old enough and secure enough to know that would probable kill me......I am tall....very tall...............and it hurts to hear him say that much would be good............

He is a frickin Dr(CHIRO).....................he obviously knows nothing about eating disorders and our strive for perfection.......ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-02-02T06:42:00.003-07:00

Wow....what a night....I am reminded of why I choose this profession......
We were called to back up another crew at a code......
Man saved....doesnt happen often, but it does happen....
If you dont know CPR...learn it.....

Earlier in the night I was reminded why its a dangerous profession....
Found out after the fact, a previous patient is HIV and is HEP C positive...
I am sure I was gloved and careful?....I think I am sure?.....am I sure?.....
I will say a prayer for myself and the young woman...........................
What a night.......I need to sleep but I am to wound up and my yougest needs a ride to school soon>>>>>>>>>>>>.....So coffee and splenda it is.............and damn it I
wanted to go shopping for a new lay rug for my living room...............maybe tomorrow.....Now I am just jabbering...........over tired you see............

last nights dream

2009-01-31T12:02:00.002-07:00

Last night I dreamt I had a baby...( I am to old for that in real time)
I had taken the baby home and realized I had no diapers or clothes for the wee one....
I found and old Guess purse in my closet....(A big one that is real)
to use as a diaper bag and off I went to walmart to shop for the necessities...

this dream was bizarre, and felt so very real....I had self doubt in the dream...
I wondered how can I be so stupid as not to have clothing and diapers for my new baby...........

I was relieved when I woke up as me....

2009-01-31T11:29:00.002-07:00

so much purging...
my throats sore...
It bleeds...
I take Rolaids after to protect my teeth....
I am bad...
I purge even if I haven't binged
cant figure this one out...
Broken blood vessels around my eyes..
I bleached out my hair..
it makes me look 10 years older...
I never want this for my daughters........

2009-01-22T19:38:00.002-07:00

wow...what a mixed up world we live in....
Today at work...45 yr man with no spontaneous respiration's.....
We bagged and bagged then we intubated, and we got him to the fixed wing ambulance..............Off to the city our patient went.....

We (Two ambulance crews) went out to have a bite.....
I ate and ate and then ran home to purge.............
How ironic......I help to save a life and then run home to risk mine........

2009-01-21T20:04:00.002-07:00

I am sick of strangers commenting on my weight......
I live in a smallish town and strangers say the dumbest things.....
I wanted to spit on this lady in the post office....
My back was to her sorting my mail and she exclaimed very loudly.."so how much weight have you lost?".....aggghhhh........I don't even know her....
I ignored, and she asked again....finally I turned around and asked if she was talking to me......
Her remark..."Yeah, how much weight have you lost".....
I wonder how this could be her business???.......How???

I replied by stating "I don't know, I don't weigh"....
A lie, I know....but that woman doesn't need to know that........
I then turned my back to her and walked out......

I don't walk up to strangers and ask "How much weight have you gained?"....
I think its rude and they should mind there own fucking business..........
(excuse my french......)
If it was a friend or loved one I would answer appropriately , but some busy body fish face has no right to intrude in my space and ask personal questions.........

My work outs have been going well.....I increased my reps in everything and I am starting to see new results...........I am training for my first 10 km run that will take place in May....Mothers day to be exact......last year I did the five Km with no trouble so I figure the 10km will be more of a challenge.....
I know I have to eat to be strong and put on muscle...its so hard sometimes......
I didnt b/p for almost a week and ate very healthy...today, not so good.........
Tomorrow is a new day.

2009-01-19T11:41:00.002-07:00

I am pissy....
Spent the weekend with my children and the rest of my family.....
.........what do you do.....EAT........EAT.........EAT....................
I am back on track today, but I still feel dirty from all the food.........
Did my swimming this morning and will do cardio and weights tonight......
perhaps that will ease all the anxious feelings...

snake

2009-01-15T05:57:00.003-07:00

Last night I hosted a monthly ems inservice.
It was to be a relaxed and informal.
I decided to reveiw one medication and to practice giving I.M. injections.

Well before I could even start my little presentation my former (work) partner
began to lash out at me.............
(previously I wrote about the types of women I dislike>>>>she is the snake)
The ana conda wants our rotation changed so we would be partners again.
I would rather poke my eyes out with a dull butter knife.
She started this in front of the others, .... it was so NOT the time or place for this discussion.

>>>>>>I am nice.......very nice........I keep most opinions to myself, and always try to spare anothers feelings <<<

She began with "Why wont you work with me"
"you are going to have to work with me"
"Is it me?"
"Its not fair"
On and on she went in a raised barely controlled voice.............................

I cant and wont ever work with her again.....I would quit first.....
I would quit a job I love first................

This woman (in her fifties) is a snake.........
she oozes negativity
she criticizes everyone and everything
you can feel her negativity from across the room.........
I wont do it..........
I worked with her for years and wasn't even aware of the effect she had on my well being.........
I think I was becoming like her....seeing only the bad....never the good, or the silver linings God provides us........My blood pressure went through the roof during that time....I was always high strung....I was resentful every time I went to work and had to listen to her shit......I cant do this again.......

There is one other person who could partner with her but the snake hates her...hates....so she wants me because I am to nice (Stupid) to tell her how I feel about her gossip and spewing venom..................ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....the dilemma....................
The inappropriateness of her outburst angers me to no end..........the others sat with their mouths dropped open...............................these women love an audience......they don't do these things without one.............We were there to learn, and then go home......not witness the snake coil and strike............

Now I ask myself....why dont I just tell her how I feel?????????
I tell myself..........you do not want this spitting cobra as an enemy....you have no enemies and she would be a very bad place to start............................
I gave it to God............
and I will call the boss first thing this am..........

2009-01-12T15:48:00.003-07:00

Everything is calm right now.
I feel blue, but I am sure its due to the curse we women face once a month.......
I am eating. I only purged once this past week. I am doing well.
I felt slow and sloppy swimming today. I am not sure what that's about.

tired and blue................

tomorrow I am back on call which is good....perhaps I am bored.....
being at work makes the minutes tick by faster........
I hate winter.....
Its so damn cold
I want to put shorts and sandals on again
I need the fresh pure green of spring
I feel as though I am in a frozen wasteland
The temperature has been close to 30 below lately and I am sick to death of it.
On the bright side the days are slowly getting longer.
The dark is not a conduit to happy, fresh, energetic feelings.
January and February are dead months in canada.
Next year I will see about a holiday around this time, maybe visit my Dad in Mexico.
Anything but this cold.

2009-01-11T10:13:00.005-07:00

Saturday was very good....
In Sept 07 my (now 12 year old) daughter had a tumour remover from her lower leg.
It was baseball sized and had her tibia and fibula bent and bowed.
we were to wait for the bones to break, or for our surgery date, whatever came first..
I have a friend who is a doctor and he helped us get in quicker so she had surgery,
and didn't have to go through the trauma of a fracture and then surgery.

Jan 09.......we went back for the latest follow up ex ray results.......
I was very scared because she has been experiencing mild discomfort since a bad sprain this past sept......
I was almost positive it was growing again............
The good news......its okay....no new growth noted..........
I am so happy..........I couldn't stand the thought of her going through this again.
when it originally happened we didn't know if it was cancer or what the hell it was, so it was a very tough time for mother and Daughter................
She has an 11 inch scar on her leg....from the ankle up......she is a tough little girl and may have to live with the discomfort this osteoblast has caused for the rest of her life....................We can live with that as she has the leg and it wasnt cancer................
Saturday was good.........

2009-01-07T06:37:00.002-07:00

This summer
This summer I will run more
I will enter a 10 k run

This summer I will swim more
I will swim with my daughter

This summer we will lay by the lake
Every chance we get

This summer I will stay up late
I will make it last

This summer I wont be anal about my lawn
This summer my child will cut it

This summer I will breathe more
I will breathe the scent of my flowering tree

this summer I will work less
I will enjoy my holidays

This summer I will come out of the gym
I will run in the fresh air

This summer I will be smoke free
I am always quiting

This summer I will start to drink
I havent drank In one full year

this summer I will go to the fringe
I missed it last year

This summer I will buy a new bikini
My cup size is way smaller

this summer I hope to get out of this God foresaken town

2009-01-05T21:09:00.002-07:00

I can be such a hypocrite.....
I was going to eat healthy today...
I did most of the day, then I attended my friends sons 16Th birthday and had cake.....
well you guessed it....I purged, and purged until I was dry....
I am so disappointed in myself tonight.......

2009-01-05T14:52:00.003-07:00

Image is not me....
This morning was my first time back in the pool since the 19th of Dec.
It felt so good, but I felt sloppy....my stroke was not smooth, I needed to breathe more.....
I said to the lady next to me...."I Feel sloppy, like a seal with no flippers"...
she laughed and said she felt the same....its amazing how fast some muscles go lax...
The good thing is after a couple more sessions I will feel smooth and strong again....

2009-01-04T19:49:00.005-07:00

My work out tonight was a little slower than normal....
My abs are a bit sore from yesterday...I know I should have let those muscles repair and waited until tomorrow to work them, but the laziness over the holidays has me in overdrive..........
I am back on top of things............

The eating isn't so great......b/p...yesterday.....
Today I kept everything down....
Lemon pepper tuna... for building muscle...apple...carrots...a few crackers, coffee, and now that I think about it nothing else......tomorrow I will eat more.....Healthy fuel for my body..
I am back to work in the morning.......
its hard to be disciplined with all the treats in the coffee room...........

2009-01-03T20:04:00.002-07:00

I feel so much better......
After being away from home these past few days, I hadn't worked out...........
Today I managed to do two full work outs......
The time between was spent cleaning then a wee nap....
I feel so much better now

worst fear.....

2009-01-03T08:51:00.001-07:00

I may have to go.....
my partner at work started blogging here.....
frick........I am almost sure she is reading my blog..........
I hate this............
I hate her knowing my secrets..........
do you hear me AMBER.........

Thinspo crap.........

2008-12-30T07:39:00.004-07:00

The thinspo stuff infuriates me..........
I am old....much older than these darlings who post these pics....
If I was to post a "I wanna be like that" pic it wouldnt be of the skeleton..
see nasty pic........
I would post Gabrielle Reece....I want those muscles....I want to be strong

One day fast

2008-12-29T10:56:00.002-07:00

I have to do a one day water fast........
I ingested so much salt yesterday my body has gone into shock........
We worked hard on the ambulance and healthy eating was not an option...
It was 7 11 food....chocos at the nurses station and I feel rotten.....
My uniform pants felt tight last night driving home from the city, and that is a
big freaking NO NO................

My partner looked at me at one point and said "I cant believe you of all people are eating that"......
THAT was a big fat muffin with choco chips nestled inside........
An egg salad sandwich on flax...with icky mayo.....................
I ate a small bag of gummi bears or some shit like that.....its not even a food....
I ate chocolates...GODIVA chocolates from one of the doctors.......
ALL SHIT FOOD.......not one peice of fruit...not one salad.......
I need to cleanse, and cleanse I shall...........................
after today back to healthy eating....all the things I do love...
oranges, bananas, salads (with a wee bot of chicken) nuts, all whole foods.......

I cant believe I am not sleeping....we crawled home at 04:00hrs......
I am the girl that needs lots of sleep.........I am debating a hot..hot bath and trying again in my bed........
I started a new book....sometimes I cant sleep when I start afresh........
I didnt want the last one to end....it really pisses me off when a good read comes to an end..........
I am obviously overtired as the words keep coming and coming......................

Okay now.....Hot Bath.....Hot bath....here I come........

only a few days....

2008-12-28T06:48:00.002-07:00

I only have a few days (three to be exact) to get my head on straight.....
I have a mild form of ocd and the holidays throw everything out of whack....
I do the same thing everyday...I have to....I have to.......
its ritualistic.....from waking up.....to going to bed....
I can deviate but I get anxious and cant think clearly.....

I say three more days because on the morning of the fourth day I hit the road with my youngest......
we are going to see my cousin and her two little ones....they are so worth being a bit out of my element........Ella is almost three and Ruby will be one in February....

My cousin who is 10 years younger than me is more like a niece.....
It is important I go see her.......
You see Eating disorders run rampant in our family......
My sister is a decade plus anorectic....and my cousin is a recovering bulimic....
They have both lingered at the "white light" before and I need to talk about it...
I swore I would never go down that path but here I am....a independent, successful,
seemingly together 39 year old woman, with an ED.................................
I know I can get back to the healthy eating....I know by talking to her I will have someone I cant trick or deceive....she knows all the tricks of the trade...........

My sister is always hovering between life and death.....I have carried her into hospitals more than once because of a potassium deficiency....you see....your muscles stop working....your heart can stop as well..........I cant get to that extreme...for me it will be a gastric hemorrhage if I continue to purge.....I will bleed out....or perhaps an electrolyte imbalance will trigger a heart attack....
I need to get it together................

I want to be strong.......Fit.........feeling good.....that's what I want........
I want to think clearly.....to be sharp, on the ball, ready for anything at work...
I know all this stuff, it just putting it into practice............
Last night I ate a Greek salad, and the garlic toast.....I kept it down..........
I am proud of that....I felt huge...I felt nauseous......I felt dirty.......But it passed.......It did indeed pass..............

Ruby and ella......I cant wait to see them...I love children......I need children in my life............I look at their innocence and wish to have that back.............

We will leave New Years eve morning......its a long drive but it is so worth it...

2008-12-27T09:44:00.002-07:00

I am so glad this holiday stuff is over....
I desperately need to get back to normal....
I feel like I am spinning out of control without my routines......

The children came home....we opened gifts, we laughed, we ate, we planted ourselves in front of the boob tube, now its over............

I ate well at Christmas, I did not purge once, I wont lie and say I didn't want to, but there was always someone around......................Its okay....its okay.....
I told myself this over and over....and guess what....it is okay......I did not gain 60 pounds after one heavy meal......
I do make a wonderful turkey, with all the dressings........I do...........

The only people left besides me is, my son, and my boyfriend.....
Its so very quiet because they tend to be night owls who sleep most of the hours before noon away.....Its good though...it gives me time to think...regroup as they say......I did manage to sneak away yesterday and go to the gym.....it felt so good
I need to sneak again today................put in a good movie and they wont even notice I am gone.............

Yesterday

2008-12-23T06:53:00.004-07:00

Yesterday was fantastic.................
We volunteered at our local Christmas sharing program.
We arrived at 9 sharp in our clean, pressed, navy blue uniforms.
Make up done, hair in place, ready to help out.
Well my Lord.......11 hours later we were dirty, tired, freezing cold, with mascara
running down our faces.............................................................
It was fantastic...............
Every year our local food bank puts together Christmas hampers......
The hampers are awesome....... They contain everything from laundry soap to the all important dead bird. They even have gifts for the little ones.........It was heart warming.......next year we are going to get involved a bit earlier so we can help pack these boxes of love.......
When I made it home last night I flopped onto my sofa....cranked up the heating pad............and became a vegetable for a short while................
11 hours in the cold, on concrete isn't my ususal.....owwwwweeeeeeeee......then off to bed......my wee mind wouldn't shut off.....I hate that.....freakin hate that....
the day playing out over and over......the peoples faces....the mouse nest in one woman's trunk, the downcast eyes of some the the recipients, the lady wasted on crack,
some of these people have been in my ambulance before................................
The argument between a friend....she is Liberal.....I am conservative....
why do liberals think they are the only socially conscious people??????...........
That really pissed me off........!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The day went by..............I was tortured inside about food.......they fed us...
I ate....I ate lots.......and nowhere to purge...................................
It stayed in, and I do know my body needed it.......
How trivial it seems......how my thoughts were so contradictory to what we were doing..........providing food for the poor........................
I, who has food and money, thinking of how to get rid of the food in my belly....
what a fuck up......................

My Mother

2008-12-21T07:17:00.002-07:00

My freaking mother..
She posted on facebook for all those snoopy busy bodies I call friends to see
"STOP LOSING WEIGHT"
My relationship with my mother is very hard to explain.....
I cant even explain it.....
LONG LONG story short...... SHE abandoned my baby sister and I when we were very Young..........My father raised us, and raised us well.....
Now that she has "found herself" she has become very needy and whiny; SHE now wants to be woven back into our everyday lives.......

Has anyone ever blocked their mother on facebook?????????...LMAO..............

My mother is very intelligent and very aloof....shall I say was aloof......
Now she calls and does the "I haven't heard from you, are you okay?".......
"When will I see you again".......I miss you, when are you going to invite us down for a visit.....and on and on........Its not like I am punishing her, its just that since I was 5 years old I had to learn to live without a mother, why should I now learn to live with her........
I am a christian and I would never intentionally try to hurt her, but its hard to include her in my everyday life.....I do try...a phone call here, an email there, but fuck......
Its hard to pretend ...................

The comment she posted on my facebook clearly states to me...I am your mother, and I can say that.......well no, mother you cant..........I deleted it and off I go......

2008-12-20T12:44:00.001-07:00

Me at work this am..........
I will take another pic after 120 hours on call.....

work

2008-12-20T12:35:00.005-07:00

Back on call for 5x24 hour shifts...
I wonder what will come through our swift mighty amb. doors??????????
I will not be off call until 8am Christmas morning.

I screwed up...the pic is me after my tour.......i think I look a wee bit pale lol..
but it never did prove to be very busy.............

My Son

2008-12-20T07:17:00.002-07:00

My middle child (my son) called last night to tell me he is coming home for Christmas a bit early.
I am ecstatic.
He is wondering (flailing) around in life right now.
He is 18 and a half years old, unemployed, and seemingly unmotivated.
He is a wonderful young man.
smart, sensitive, opinionated, and Gay.
Yes he is gay. my son came out to me when he was 16.....he cried, I believe out of relief, a secret no more.
I embraced him and let him know that I had always known....I have known since he was two years old. I just knew...........
I am completely fine with it. this "coming out" was something I patiently waited for.
My son is very tall, trim and handsome......he does have some mannerisms that are, shall we say effeminate.........If you had the least bit of "Gaydar" you would peg him off the bat.
I am hoping this extra time together will help me understand why he hasn't found a job yet, why he isnt out there enjoying his youth, why he is so content with just being........
I have promised myself not to come on like an old "FISHWIFE", or mother nag.
I want him to come to the gym with me.....I want him to hold his shoulders back and stand tall....I want him to find his niche.....a group of friends that will support his lifestyle, his sexuality, his dreams....
I want him to Live........not just be, but to live, taste the world, spring out of bed and go get it...................
I am hoping he will arrive before I get home from work...........I cant wait to see him, to hug him, to talk to him, to try to get inside his head.
He has only been away from home since September but it feels like a lifetime.....
sooooooooo exccccciiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttteeeeeed......

2008-12-17T08:02:00.000-07:00

Work

2008-12-16T21:22:00.004-07:00

Work is good...
Work keeps my wee bitty mind busy....
There is no time in the back of a racing ambulance to think about food, and weight...
Sometimes a light goes off in my head and it says "Hold those belly muscles in".....
Breathe in...tight pull...... belly button to the spine, and back to work...........

I had a lovely 77 year old lady that had a heart rate would come up on the monitor as 0......now we all know that means death, but no....not with this lady.....
it would register as 0, then up to 14, then 60, then back to 0......
I would look, and wait in horror for her to clutch her chest, and pass out.....
It never happened........They (the ems Gods) say "treat your patient not the machine"
so I watched, and waited, observed, and watched, and she never became symtomatic....
I slowly let my schincters relax and decide to capture this on paper......I figure nobody will believe this........

I got it.....I got it....ON PAPER...a rhythm that looked very close to asystole with an oxygen saturation of 95% and a pulse of 0......it defies all logic......it was the weirdest thing ever in my carreer..........

Needless to say....I didnt have time for all my obsessions, my quircks, my bullshit war in my bitty brain.....it made me feel so alive to see someone so close to (on paper) death.............

yeah

2008-12-13T16:03:00.003-07:00

Yesterday I did not PURGE......
I ate HEALTHY (except for the chocolate covered peanuts I grabbed at some stinking gas station on our way home from dropping off a patient at the nut house...(he he get it...the nuts..the patient...I am such a child)...............
Today, so far so good....healthy food in my belly, and I am going to keep it their.

It is 38 below here today and my Lord the heat just gets sucked out of your bones the moment you step outside.
I pray if I get any calls they are not accidents or outdoor falls and what not.......
people should just damn well stay home when its this cold.....
I would.................

caylee

2008-12-12T07:13:00.003-07:00

I have been following the investigation of the missing child Caylee Anthony for a few months now.
They found her body (they are confident, DNA will confirm)
Most of the world knew she was dead (including myself) but you still pray
that we all got it all wrong, that yes she is alive...
It breaks my heart to see the grandparents trying to protect their daughter
(THE MURDERER).........They have now lost two people, the grandchild Caylee Marie Anthony,and their daughter.

I found it hard to include
Casey in my prayers last night. I felt sick thinking about her, but I did ask God to be with her.

children

2008-12-11T07:45:00.003-07:00

Occasionally on a day off (I work a 96 hr on 96 hour off rotation)
I take in a dear friends children.
sometimes its overnight (shes a nurse working, not a hussy cruising)
sometime after school till her shift ends
sometimes before school
Anyway......I AM SO GLAD MINE ARE GROWN
I have three children
A daughter 20 yrs (OUT OF HOUSE)
A son 18 yrs (OUT OF HOUSE)
A daughter 12 yrs (AT HOME, AND A LOVELY INTELLECTUAL CHILD)

I forgot how they whine, or fight with their sibling, or just act plain old defiant because of being fatigued.
I forgot how their hair gets all nappy in there sleep, and the tears that come with combing it out.
I forgot how my mood was so easily influenced by theirs.

My youngest, that still dwells with me, is like me....
we enjoy quiet....and lots of it......
she will look at me when they are here and say "They make so much noise"
Or "How am I supposed to concentrate with all the racket"..............
she is an old soul in a prepubescent body.
We are a good pair
we are harmonious
we are two peas in a pod...

We are not always fuddy duddys............we do like to crank the music and dance up a sweat, we do have the occasional argument, but all in all we are in sync.........

I cant even fathom how I had the energy or patience for those tough years when you are nothing more than a mother..............A mother with messy hair, a mother that wears old tatty pants because the babes come first, a mother that couldn't think beyond bath time and bed for the babes..........
Perhaps if I had not had the first two so close together it wouldn't have been so hard, or such a blur...........
I don't regret a thing......it is what it was, and is now...............
My eldest called my last week and said "ITS BRITNEY BITCH"....
her name is Kayla so I was a bit confused.....then she announced
"WE ARE GOING TO BRITNEY SPEARS".........now this is pay off.....
we can enjoy each other as people......
I am so excited.......................

boobs

2008-12-11T07:31:00.002-07:00

I like my boobs (a little less lately as they are shrinking)
Nevertheless...I like my boobs.........
I like them when I dress up, i like them in the shower, I like them in a bikini top,
I absolutely love them when I am on top and my man has to breathe them in.........

BUT....there is a problem.......like almost everything in this world...........

I wish when I am running I could put them in my back pack
when I am swimming I wish I could gently set them on the edge of the pool
When I lift the stretcher at work and some mans feet make contact, I wish i would have binded them flat.

They slow you done when running, I am so very conscious of the jiggle
Intentional jiggles are okay (you know, with your man) But I wonder how much faster I could swim or run without them

I do realize if this is my biggest worry I am damn lucky..........

On top of things...

2008-12-10T11:31:00.003-07:00

I feel so much better today.......
I ate healthy...banana and bran bar for breakfast, then for an early lunch, a beautiful chicken salad, smothered in banana peppers.......I visualize this food making me fit, and strong....
I swam like normal today, but I noticed I was a wee bit on the weak side...
I know its from the past few days, and

punishing workout....

2008-12-09T20:42:00.002-07:00

I have just come home from a punishing workout..........

I did everything a little bit harder, heavier, and faster.....

I am calm again........................................................................

I slid into a warm bath when I got home.......

I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed a bit more............

I am clean again.......................................................................

Eating Out..........

2008-12-09T18:04:00.002-07:00

Huge challenge.....
Eating out with my co-workers...........
I am so sick of "You are only having salad".....with a roll of the eyes.....
or "Why don't you just eat".........
all that drivel....
I am never going out to eat again......
I am never going to eat out again......

Today, to avoid all the questions I ate........I really ate.......
I ate a ginormous hamburger, and the greasy stinking fries........
I still feel dirty.....filthy.....dirty................

Now I am educated, and I do know this isnt rational, but I AM STILL FREAKIN DIRTY AND FILTHY WITH THAT SHIT INSIDE ME, not to mention swelling up with fat with every minute that ticks by............................Every day I say to self..."I WILL NOT PURGE TODAY".......and almost everyday, yeah you guessed it...........I PURGE...........................
I had to speed home (on very icy roads) to rid myself of the filth........I am torn......
I know its wrong....I Know all of it.....I KNOW, but I cant seem to stop.....................
Tomorrow is a new day..................................................

2008-12-06T09:02:00.000-07:00

Today is weigh in Day

2008-12-05T06:36:00.000-07:00

Its Friday, a week since the last time I stood on the freakin scale.....

I have stepped up the free weights and a lit more speed on the treadmill so I am afraid the muscle will make the numbers HUGE...Large...BIG....Ginormous..........

If it does go that way my little pea sized brain should be happy...its muscle after all, and muscle burns fat..................................But I still get all stressed and tensed up when the dial goes past

my currently maintained weight. Which is big, but lighter than I have weighed in 20 some years..

( took me a moment, a hard moment to remember my eldest is 20....aggghhhh that makes me older, and older woman, mature wise woman, a cougar, a pre middle aging woman..)

Anyway...back to the rant.........I weigh less now than I did when I was 18..........

BUT WHY, WHY, do I feel bigger..........like a sloth.....a chubby sloth with a cute pixie haircut, a cool job, and lots of friends..................why!!!!!!!!!!!!!......The only time I feel fit, strong, and sexy is when I am sweating on the treadmill, or closing in on the last of my laps in the pool................Otherwise

its jiggle wiggle, ooopppsss hold those belly muscles tight............

My uniform pants still fit after the time off post surgery...that was a good thing.....

I was so scared I would pack some pounds off during recovery..................................

Well frick.......I know its another day...another day to get it right.....

Eat good foods......exercise....smile to the freaking world, then come home a go to bed....

One sweet thing is my man is coming for a visit............we have been dating three years..

he loved me fat and he loves me now...medium fat......lol........

He is my rock....my calming man....he can bring me down from a full out rant and help me see

the good in the bad...............he can kick the soap box out from under me and catch me and say "Its okay".................

I Love him................

Possible adult attention deficit: see below image

wow.....talk about short attention span......from my big weigh in to my love in a few seconds flat...

First day Back

2008-12-04T06:57:00.000-07:00

Today is my first day back after six long recovery weeks.

I am a bit nervous, its like starting a new job.

I wonder if I forgot how to write a good PCR, or how

to talk to a drunk (THAT I WANT TO PUNCH) kindly after they roll

there vehicle at highway speed.

I do NOT miss crawling out of my bed at 3 am and roaring to a JOKE

call.......( the ones where the Pt. just doesn't feel good)

I do miss the feeling of accomplishment after a critical call that goes well.....Yes, I miss that....

I wonder if I will remember med dosages ( if not i was sure to put my reference guide in my uniform pants)....................................

I wonder if anyone will call me a "cunt," a "bitch," or ask "are you sure you can lift that"

I wonder if I will get a suicide call, a gunshot, a fall, a Grannie call, a fracture, or my fave. shit and puke call?????...I wonder........

I also wonder, will it be quiet, it might be, I hope so, I would like to ease back in slowly.

I wonder if I have the will power to pull away and jump in the shower and get ready...LOL.....

I do.... I do....I am going now to scrub the sleep off my body.....................

stand still

2008-12-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

I am at a stand still........

I have taken off 43 pounds since last December.....

I worked my ass off, literally. I swim three times a week, treadmill 5 times a week, weights 3 times a week, and now I am standing still on the scale, and in the mirror.

I feel heavier than I did when I hauled my fat body onto the treadmill last December.

My BMI went from 34.0 to 27.6...I am very proud of this but I am standing still......

The past few months I have been binging.......Eating the crap I stayed away from for more than 6 months.................I feel as though I am losing control.......................................A vicious cycle of binging and yes (blushing) occasionally purging.....

I am a grown woman and I should know better.....I should know, I do know.....

Yesterday I ate a whole box of chocolates......yeah, the whole box....maraschino chocolate covered cherries....the box was destined to go in one of my children's Christmas stockings..........ahhhhhhh

I took the other boxes over to my Dads house, in case of another "ms. PAC man" mouth episode........

The little white

balls are the

cherries.........

Yellow lady is

me!!!!!!!!!!

Dad

2008-12-01T17:48:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke to my alarm at 5:00......

I didn't have to work, so it did seem very early......

I had to pick up my Dad and drive him to the airport.

We live in a small town so the nearest airport is two hours away.

We decided to leave early as the weather can change in a heartbeat here in Alberta Canada.

Usually at this time of year we are covered in snow and ice, accompanied by rigid temperatures

(-30 Celsius isn't unusual), but this am it was +3, with no snow, no ice, and no wind. It was a relief..............

I turned the corner onto my Dads street and there he was, in the dark, waiting out front......

(He is a dork, its where I inherited that quality)...........

I helped him with his 400 pound suitcase (dumb move, if I knew how much it weighed I wouldn't have)...................My Dad is very fit for his age and could have handled it quite well himself............

Off we went......down the highway..............In My silver dodge with brand new snow tires........( With no freaking snow or ice for hundreds of miles)

Dad was quite concerned that I haven't been following the upheaval in our fine Canadian government. This of course meant a 2 hour lesson during the drive......

I didn't roll my eyes....not even once.........I value my Dads opinion more than any other man on this planet, but shit, its 5 in the morning............................

At the airport I said "I love you".......normal for most families (I think) , And Dad said "I Love you too"........................He is a very Conservative man and one who rarely expresses emotions...

It made me feel all warm and fuzzy.....................That was my morning...........

After the 649 win purchases.....Cash purchases...

2008-12-01T05:30:00.000-07:00

Like a child making a wish list for Christmas,

I am making a "Big lottery win" wish list.

pool

2008-11-24T08:50:00.000-07:00

Yeah Yipppeeeeee.............I am on my way out the door and into the pool......
nothing, and I mean nothing feels as good as doing my grand dive off the starter block ( only two older ladies watching).....and slicing into the warm waters of my little towns pool.........
The ladies give me a score on my dive....usually an 8....sometimes a 9............................
When my back was sore I only scored a 4........its okay though........I still made it to the Pool...
one day I will explain my attachment to our little 25 meter pool.............................
Okay, after the slice, I slowly warm up with a bit of freestyle.................trying to pace myself, and YES, trying to remember to kick.....................after a brief warm up, I pretend......I am in the olympics, and some little Australian is right in my peripheral and I have to pull harder, kick like mad...I have to win...My Dad is watching...my coach, my family.......agggghhhhhhhhhh, no time to breathe....one more stroke and then a quick breathe...my arms ache but frick the end is right there.......Pull harder.....then slam into the end........quick look........yessssssssssssssssss....the little Australian was a whole whooping quarter of a second to freaking slow......I won............but I must be gracious........shake hands...try to breathe...sputter, cough, shake, shake, "good swim" I say pretending I can breathe............now I looke...look.....and look....did my Dad see??????......where the hell is he..............I spot him..........thumbs up............from my Dad.......I love this moment...
I feel warm, I did something...I am good in my Dads eyes....I pull myself out of the pool and quickly, but not to quick make it to the bathroom stall and finish what started a half hour before the race....nervous gut....nervous, nervous, nervous.............another race done......

Oh yeah, I am not there...I am almost a middle age woman who can only get 30 laps done, and that is with great mental..." I can do it", "only 10 more", ...............self encouragement................
well off to the pool.........

In my town

2008-11-21T18:58:00.000-07:00

Just a little experiment I want you to be a part of......

I am curious what things cost in other obscure and not so obscure places in the world......

In my town:(Canadian dollar)

Gas is 86 cents a litre

Loaf of Brown bread is 3.49

pail of ice cream 5.49

Gym membership 37.00 a mon.

Hotel room 112.00 per night

Loreal hair color 12.00

news paper 1.00

4 ltr. milk 5.60

my electric bill. 80.00 per month

movie ticket 12.00 adult.

Big bag dog food 12.99

case of pepsi 5.49 if on sale 3.99

garbage pick up 18.00 per month

public swimming 5.00 adult

internet 29.95 per month

bottle of tylenol 6.00

I am just curious.....a bit dorky, geeky, and curious..........

some women

2008-11-18T08:06:00.000-07:00

ahhh...there are some women whom I despise.....

its just there are some woman......

Number one......my previous partner at work.......

We shall call her the "gossip snake"...

yes she is a snake...it made me sad, embarrassed, and angry to be forced (my job )

to endure her twittering about others lives....

on occasion (as I observed) she would slither from one person to the next with a low almost whispering(hissing) of a voice and enquire if so and so's husband (the cheater) is back at home with so and so (the poor thing).............This is the kind of woman who reprimands you if you choose not to answer your phone (I hear it ring, I look at the call display, I sigh, I move to the farthest part of my home so I cant feel the negative words, judgements and crap stream through the phone)........oh yes and there is the berating if I was privy to some nugget and kept it to my self......"How come you didn't tell me?"...."I cant believe you didn't phone me"...etc. etc. etc.

The funniest thing is this snake is in her early 50's.........I assumed maturity and quality would take hold of your life by that age.........I was wrong...we are what we are............

I am happy to report I no longer work with the venomous viper. I do on occasion take an overtime shift and have snake heart as my partner. I can deal with it in small doses, in fact its humorous to watch the coil, the strike, the spit of a snake.........................

I feel lost.

2008-11-16T17:57:00.000-07:00

I feel alone

I pay the bills (when I can)

I try to keep things in order

I watch my weight

I love my children (only one left at home)

I am alone

I am tired of responsibilities

I want to rip it up

I want to read

read till sleep

I want to eat

Eat till purge

I want to exercise

exercise till I drop

I want to run

start fresh

I dread the shopping

I go without

I clean my house

I throw it away

Ms. Fitness on T.V.

2008-11-12T08:04:00.000-07:00

AHHHH my mouth hung open as I watched Ms Fitness on some sports channel...................

I want to hold up my entire weight with one hand.......

At the moment if I was to try I am sure my radius, ulna, and maybe even humerus would snap into a million pieces.......(giggle at the visual I just got)............

But WOW....I want to be able to do that......

I am fit.....strong, yes.......but I think I may want to take it to another level.......

I do not want to be built like a man...( I like having boobs).....but the strength these women demonstrated excited me.........

Yesterday I spiced up my work out.....a wee bit more with the weights........a stop at the lat pull,

and yes...I am on my way..........

This morning it hurts to type........owwweee........it really hurts.....I am off to the pool in a few minutes and perhaps will have to make a pit stop in the hot tub before i do my laps....and yes, after my laps as well...........wish me luck...........

First blog entry...BLA BLA BLA

2008-11-09T08:08:00.000-07:00

This is my first blog entry....bla bla bla...feel good...blah...outlet....bla....bla bla......Connect...
bla bla..........expand..............................................................................................................................
The brutal truth is that I am bored stiff.............
I have always wanted a blog.....to splay my private thoughts out for the other cyber losers to see and critique.......My wish has come true.........
I recently underwent minor surgery which has left me with "6 weeks" away from my beloved career of choice (said somewhat condescendingly)...So now I have time, precious
time, to fill, waste, enjoy, pass, use constructively.............AHHHHH Time...........................
The highlight of my day is my SCRABBLE moves on Facebook...I know there is nothing wrong with this, but I am left with an empty feeling when all six games are done....Thank the Lord for my boyfriend and my aunt or I wouldn't even have that......I often wonder if they play just for me or if the like it.
At week two I got back on the treadmill.....not running but a brisk walk you could say...
I barely break out in a sweat, but I suppose its better than nothing, oh and yes, I am back in the pool..I cant do my laps but I can fart around in the deep end with water weights and join in the gossip circle which I truly despise.....Yes I am moving foreword in my recovery.............
I am cooking more........I wont pretend I like it, but I am doing it more....I have downloaded every song I have ever heard, let alone liked off of L#me#$r&. My lovely home is clean, really clean....well except for the hall closet.......I am saving it for when I do go over the edge of boredom......
My thought is that I will be able to blog to pass time......constructively that is............
The use of language, words, adjectives, incomplete sentences, all of that cant hurt the brain.